Sunday, September 11, 2011

I am ashamed

Taken down per the cuter half.

I will re post this item eventually. Not certain as to when though. I thought this was particularly well written.

Keep checking and one day it will be back.

Let's try this version:

I wonder how many people have thought that.
Recently, I was told that someone was ashamed of me and what I thought generally speaking it should all be kept secret and instantly I thought of Penelope Trunk's "Keeping things secret in a family means that they can treat you like shit" ....Largely this person is ashamed of me because I just say it and write about life and am pretty darn up front. Oddly enough, my being up front is not by choice. I would rather keep my thoughts to myself and do my thing quietly without a lot of fuss or fanfare. However, telling it like it is on this blog is a commitment I made, the cuter half supports it and the boy tolerates it but doesn’t like it much.
The ironic thing is, the person that is saying they are ashamed of me little realizes how their prior behavior had affected others.

I know for myself I am very ashamed of that person.  
In the course of my life, I have had people regularly walk up to me and say, "Oh thank God you are nothing like so-and-so." When you are a kid or an adult; how embarrassing is that? Or the times in high school when your parents would say, "So-and-so did x-y-z if you ever get caught you are in big trouble." "No you can't go out after practice, so-and-so did x-y-z and you might do the same thing! “WHAT?? Doing whatever it was NEVER crossed my mind (I wanted to go get a pop or a hamburger at McDonald's not do that whatever it was I wasn’t quite certain)...Or walking out the door for practice....and all I am doing is going out the door for practice (sorry partner, our duet is gonna suck I couldn’t come and practice with you): I wasn't doing anything I should not....but because of one poor experience (or more) with another person; I didn't argue I went along with it (wasn't worth fighting over). Good grief....or my new favorite is someone else who told me about tag team bullying with others that so-and-so did...my goodness. I have a lot to live down from this other person....and that makes me ashamed of them. Unfortunately, I didn't do it...it wasn't me; I've borne the brunt of so-and-so's poor behavior for a good part of my life and I think did so pretty darn gracefully. Actually, I have gone out of my way to do the opposite of what so-and-so did/does; figuring largely that if I did, I might actually get it right. Generally speaking, most of the time it was felt an apology was necessary to someone that told me about whatever it was that so-and-so did; I apologized. The apology was for what exactly? For something I did not do; for something someone else did. That is so....what's the word....unfair (oh that's right, life is unfair).
Likewise, the boy is dealing with his own thing right now...we had a lovely party the other day; he spent most of his time in almost a state of panic. He was so worried about what some other people would think of his stuff and what he was allowed to do he got himself to the point where he wasn't able to function or able to help much at all. It was with relief when his other friend came over and she calmed him enough that he was finally calm enough to help entertain some new people and some kids he had met YEARS ago. His concerns were unfounded; the people in question were unable to attend. He needs to realize that meeting up to someone’s standards (who generally are never satisfied with him anyway) is really not worth it. Fortunately, he did better with take down of the party. But the thing is he was worried about his stuff or his interests NOT being up to snuff with other people.

Kind of like with his mom.....I have tried for years to be the way other people want and I am just not trying any more. (I keep going back to ‘Hope Floats’, “Birdie you used to be so pleasing”) I have absolutely wonderful people who are around me all the time and those are the people that I am working on being "pleasing" for.


The rest of the critics (or the so-and-so’s) I am either leaving behind or just plain ignoring. Those are the people who are never satisfied with me as a person or the life the cuter one and I have decided to lead anyway so why bother. Like with arguing with my parents about attending a duet practice in high school; why should I argue, fuss, and fight over something like this that is so unnecessary? Not worth the fight; since the thing that requires change on our part is ever adjusting and never quite seems to be the same thing each time (whatever). Sometimes the changes or the actions we are told are necessary are so off the wall….we just shake our heads, deal with months of fall out afterwards and are more willing to do what we are doing now so we don’t have to deal with supposed necessity alterations. Kind of like what a friend of mine said the other day, setting personal boundaries can create a crisis for the other person.

We have other more important things on our plate. The cuter one and I have things with the boy to think about and the future of what the boy is doing and what needs done. Thinking about what self-imposed critics want is just not in the big picture.

As for the boy: his saving grace is that he is polite. He is extremely nice; and that helps. He tries hard, and that is good.....for him and what he wants to do. He needs to learn that being he is all he needs to be. Working on HIS stuff is what is important. Worrying about other people's satisfaction with those things or his interests, well, is second rate (or not ratable at all). He can keep other’s concerns in mind but those that criticize him for who and what he is….that is the part he needs to learn to ignore

Choosing, as I did, to do things differently is kind of like going with the line, "Life is like a box of chocolates", and although I despise the Forrest Gump allusion...it is apt. You never know which one is which until you pick your chocolate. That and you never know if you are gonna get the chocolate nougat or the Oreo cream and depending who you are depends on if you like it or not.

Choosing us, as God picked me, and the cuter half, to have the kid we have. We were chosen. Not anyone else and certainly not the so-and-sos. Maybe that is half the problem....being chosen means that we have to work harder, try more and do more than most parents. Although many of them don't know WHAT they are missing, they aren't getting the fulfillment that we have because we got PICKED by God to have the kid that we have. Others haven’t gotten picked to do what we are doing…and maybe getting picked is all the difference in the world.

As for our chocolate choice, I think we picked the trinidad with the white chocolate, toasted coconut on the outside and dark chocolate cream within. JACKPOT!