Friday, October 24, 2014

Being Candid- and I don't mean Candid Camera


I have always been an open  book.


My mom used to tell people that I could not tell a lie because I would end up cracking up. I laughed because I thought lies were stupid and if you fell for it -  not only did I think I ought to question the intelligence of the hearer - well it was so unbelievable to me that anyone would believe a lie that I would just laugh.

My transparency has cost me a lot.




Every once in a while I get a surprise and I get shocked into being transparent. I really need to start prepping myself for anything; then I would be ready and not be so open and honest. It would save me a TON of aggravation in the long run. I really need to keep reminding myself that "no one wants to know your opinion about everything." (I was told that once and haven't forgotten it) With certain people I need to remember to keep it to myself and not tell them much of anything unless it is vital. Especially if it concerns my actual opinion about something. I really need to watch that....my Dad used to say "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. There won't be a third time." My big issue is that in some cases hope springs eternal and I want to  wish for something so much that will never be there or happen. I need to remember the "There won't be a third time".

Thank God for the cute one - he saves me a ton of trouble in the long run. A slight squeeze of his hand and it reminds me that I need to stop and think about who or what I am talking to or about. He reminds me that there are people out there willing to take on a special needs kid, and this kid's mom and the situation that life has us in. The cute one reminds me that there are wonderful, loving people in the world. That in spite of all the crazy shit with school, therapists, doctors and the boy; the two of us are worthy of being a family with him and my God we are lucky.

Anyway, the candid, transparent part of any Aspie family is really detrimental to said family if there is a perceived problem with someone else outside of what I will call the Aspie-life. Being this transparent with schools, doctors, therapists, and counselors is not for the faint of heart. It really becomes a habit. Allowing someone to tip toe through the tulips of your home/personal life is something that is normally not considered acceptable. Which means that being candid/transparent/honest will probably mean you will get kicked in the ass at a later time. As long as you are ready for that - well then you can allow people into your inner sanctum (home/mcmansion/castle/shack) and be able to effectively manage everything for your Aspie. Having people run in and out of your lives means that you have to let people leave when it is time. That can prove to be embarrassing but as long as you are able to not let it get in your way of helping your Aspie at home - well you should be OK.Frankly, if you have an Aspie and are getting embarrassed about things - you are wasting your energy. Start talking your Aspie about sex, masturbation, drugs, alcohol and appropriate behavior therein and then have the fun of being embarrassed,  It doesn't work that way - embarrassment is a luxury- not for parents of an Aspie child.

OOPS I did it again, I got honest and transparent. Damn it.
Which goes back to getting surprised and getting shocked into being honest about your experiences. See what I mean, being so transparent is a habit just as being honest and candid is a habit as well.

On the negative though, it means you are TEACHING your Aspie to be the same and this may be detrimental in the long run. Because of this, most of the time,we are instructing the boy NOT to tell everyone exactly what he is thinking. I am telling him what is for home, his therapists and what is OK in public.IT is hard for him to figure out what he can and cannot do or say. He gets told "No" more times than most people his age (OK ANY ONE his age....or at least the ones we have met anyway). He has a friend, she is marvelous, and puts up with the grind here, the scheduling and the over all upheaval when things get crazy,

For example, for her, today was a test in flexibility. The boy had a test to take, it was going to take a long while and he had to take it for this one class. Suffice to say he completed it early and was going to wait for the cuter half to pick him up. Because I was sort of nearby I went to get him early but then the cute one got home late and then we got stuck at the restaurant and had to wait in line which for some reason took an hour (??).....
The lesson is that this friend was willing to wait it out. and be late for a party that was planned by other friends....and she was still gracious, kind and always helpful and as always friendly. Lucky for us she is part of our little family.

So what is tonight's lesson?
How the hell should I know?

Keep your mouth shut? Maybe especially when there is a shock involved.
OR teach your Aspie to keep it in and let it go at home in their assigned room?
          HMMM that is a thought and a really good idea (we do this - Aspergers is for the bedroom. You can have Aspergers there; once you leave your room or your home and go outside the Aspergers stays at home.)

I know, I have it - skip lunch, go to a wine tasting and then have a late dinner....now that sounds like the perfect lesson for today. If I told you what I REALLY thought I would be back at the censorship option and I don't want to go there again - it will just be annoying.




Sunday, October 12, 2014

Censorship-GGGRRRRR

I hate it when I really want to blog about something but don't dare because certain people would use what I have to say against the cuter half and I.

Sigh.
Guess I will have to come up with something banal then.

BANAL



There we go - have a great week everyone!


Saturday, October 11, 2014

FLASHBACK POST - DOUBLE DOSES

FLASHBACK

 Over the summer there was an evening that I was reminded of an evening at home with my parents:

I was in high school, the fall was a busy time for us three. My Dad was into his meetings and committees and my Mom was cutting edge, she worked from home and was busy doing that and her other committees and such. I had band and some church stuff going on (this was back in the day when I did go to church regularly).

This particular time I was sick with a terrible cold - and being the way I am - I hate taking any kind of medicine. During the beginning of the afternoon, my parents would be doing there usual prep for the evening thing - they had a dinner to go to and since finals were coming up I was staying at home trying to get over my cold. It was my usual doozy of a cold, I couldn't breathe and I felt like a sledge hammer was in my temples.

First off my Mom comes in the kitchen, "Take this cold medicine and go to bed. Dinner is in the refrigerator. Heat it up and eat" (most likely this was a rice and bean meal since I didn't usually eat meat unless forced to). For once, I do as I am told and I take the medication. To show how AWFUL I felt - me taking any kind of medication is like a cold day in hell. I really have to feel terrible (this still stands- ask the cuter one about me on my  pneumonia meds a few years back).

Then my Dad walked into the kitchen, "Here take this and don't argue back. We have no time for you to have a cold right now."  Dad hands me more cold medicine, I am trying to tell him I already had some. Mom brought it and I did really take it... he wasn't having any, "I know your Mom did not bring you anything. She is getting ready to go and you won't take it unless I argue with you. We need to go - take the medicine." So to stop further argument, I took it.

Phew.

I was out of it....I have NO clue what went on that evening - my friends told me I was pretty wild with silly conversations.... I have no idea what I said or did that evening but I do know I slept and got up and no more cold the next day.

Tonight feels like the same kind of thing. Only now we are SO busy we have not a clue what we said or what we did or anything.

We have had quite the days lately....just a lot going on.

Last summer the princess has had some big ole changes - which means we have made big ole changes. Her changes were a little hard to take and frankly could have been handled in a better fashion than they were. But it appears that she is doing what she can and is doing OK so I can't complain about what happened then but be satisfied with what is going on now.

On the less significant portion; for us it appears our holidays will be changing - and other things that are minor to others but a big deal to us (celebrating birthdays, little parties; we are catering now) - we don't really know HOW we will manage the holiday changes or what we will do but it appears that we will be handling HOW we celebrate a little differently. The cuter half and I are TRYING to figure out all the details but it is likely that we won't get very far until the time actually arrives.

During the summer, the boy had to drop a class for the first time ever. He told us that he was relived he doesn't have to go back. The prof was too esoteric for an Aspie. We should have known that a class with no book and short cuts discussed in class but not in the book or notes the boy had....well this class was a time bomb waiting to happen... and pretty much it did. I think it is interesting HOW a teacher can pretty much make or break a class. This guy appeared to be hell-bent on getting this particular Aspie out of his classroom. THIS IS a Mom's perception but reading the stuff in class and this teacher's attitude towards the boy's penmanship (or lack thereof) and not accepting dictated work- well what is one to think? Thankfully it appears that this semester is tough but it is going much better and he is really liking these classes.

Anyway at that point during the summer we needed a night off. There are advantages to having the Binny's club card and although we aren't big drinkers some evenings do call for a change in the atmosphere. It had been a good night for a rum/coffee/mint drink. Then the cuter half brought me a grasshopper. Yup; I was a two-fisted drinker that evening......which brought back that time with my parents and the cold medicine. Although the rum/mint/coffee didn't taste like medicine and the grasshopper was great - I was pretty much trashed out by the end of the evening.


I am SUCH a lightweight.



Sunday, October 5, 2014

Distractions from the way life used to be.

Tonight's post is going to focus on my word of the day: distraction

Distraction is defined as:
a thing that prevents someone from giving full attention to something else.
"the company found passenger travel a distraction from the main business of moving freight"
OR
extreme agitation of the mind or emotions.
"he knew she was nervous by her uncharacteristic air of distraction"

My current level of distraction can come from a myriad of sources.
For example, tonight I was doing the weekly pills- we call it "doing the pills" really it is a boat-load of vitamins set up for the cuter half, the boy and myself.  This part of my week is the time where I usually have my best ideas. Unless, of course, if I get distracted. 

Tonight's distractions were twofold. 

One the cuter half is painting a nativity that my great uncle made years ago. This nativity came from my great aunt's farm and to me it always meant Christmas, or that the holiday was actually beginning. The nativity itself is a simple wood cut - with Joseph, Mary and the baby. We have had this nativity for a number of years. The cuter one knows how I feel about it and is really good about getting it out and putting it up every year. The colors have faded....Joseph somehow got chipped, the set itself is getting old. Well the other day the cute one went out and bought outdoor paint to touch up the nativity for me. I was going to do it and as per usual I get distracted by whatever it is that is going on and then I forget about it. Anyhow, to make a long story longer, the cute one is now painting Joseph. He is carefully painting the lines, and using the colors to touch up Joseph on the living room table....it means so much to me that he is bothering (his back is out again....getting down on the floor is kind of a challenge). The cute one calling me to "Come see and let me know if this is too dark/light or looks wrong..." well all my grand posting thoughts promptly flew out the window.

Then the boy, "Mom I can meet with my Math Professor tomorrow afternoon. Can you drive me to school?" Making that arrangement and how he will get home and what we will be doing in the meantime. 

Another one is the princess. Princess is doing really well - she is in her 90's so every day is a gift to the rest of us....and she forgets things. Which if I live to my 90's I reserve the right to forget stuff too.
For example, the other evening we were visiting and she mentioned that she needed a manicure. I decided to do it before I forgot (right now I am doing things right when I think about it or it won't get done) and presto- she had her manicure. Last night we went by and she mentioned that some lady had come in and done her manicure the other evening....that lady was me. I thought it was pretty funny - but then my sense of humor has a pretty wide opening and I can get a giggle about almost anything.

So whatever it was that I had as my Grand Idea....It went.

  1. It could have been talking to people when we all went out the other evening (THANK you for whoever made that meeting a quick one - Good job!) 
  2. Or maybe it was talking to another parent about Aspies and college.
  3. It could have been about vitamins and medication.
  4. Or maybe it was about the boy and his lack of social acumen.
  5. May have even been about cat barf and how wheat grass is a great thing for the puttens but not so great for the one room of the house that has carpeting.
  6. It might have been about my regular use of vinegar and making things less - odoriferous.
I know I had been thinking about the boy and yesterday. 

Yesterday sucked.

The boy has had a TON of homework and having to get ready to retake another test plus midterms....well things have gotten a smidgen out of hand. Essentially, I once again showed by parenting prowess by blowing my stack at anyone who happened to get in my way. You would have done it too after listening to 48 hours of kibitzing.
Mid morning the boy had a meeting with his prescribing doctor. She is amazing and well, for the first time in 10 years I got annoyed with the arguing (cuter half and the boy) and I walked out of the office - and tossed the checkbook to the cuter half and went for a walk/jog around the upper part of the building. Me leaving had a slight effect on the day. 

Let's say it went down hill from there.

After several arguments and loud discussions with a lot of swearing (the boy is learning to swear correctly now- I don't think this is good but at least he doesn't sound like a dofus when he is angry about something) and screaming;  the boy settled down and started working on the rest of his math problems and whatever else he needed to do. 

Then on top of other stuff that came down the pike- lets just say there is an old saying abut "timing is everything" that probably would have been well placed at that time. And this addition, well I was in a royal "right state" about this time and ready to go look for the steam roller.

Really this whole post is supposed to be focusing on distractions - when in essence it is about flexibility. The cuter half and I exhibiting flexibility (even when we argue with each other and the boy) is showing an example. Us taking a break - even when we are pissed off - then coming back and looking at the questions/situations/goals/cat barf again means that we are prepared to step back and re-evaluate.
The boy doing the same thing is another tool that he has in order to make things work for him at a later time.

It was pointed out to me that the boy recognizing that he needed to make a change in his career path at such a young age is really a big deal. Unlike many, he knows where, what and how he needs to get where he wants to be. He is able to discuss "behaviorism" as a technique for his potential employment. We were reminded again how he is viewed as successful and that he really is doing quite well.
He is mapping things out and learning to be flexible at the same time. Now if we can cut out some of the distractions during the day - well we would be in a good place and doing just fine.....