Friday, October 24, 2014

Being Candid- and I don't mean Candid Camera

I have always been an open  book.

My mom used to tell people that I could not tell a lie because I would end up cracking up. I laughed because I thought lies were stupid and if you fell for it -  not only did I think I ought to question the intelligence of the hearer - well it was so unbelievable to me that anyone would believe a lie that I would just laugh.

My transparency has cost me a lot.

Every once in a while I get a surprise and I get shocked into being transparent. I really need to start prepping myself for anything; then I would be ready and not be so open and honest. It would save me a TON of aggravation in the long run. I really need to keep reminding myself that "no one wants to know your opinion about everything." (I was told that once and haven't forgotten it) With certain people I need to remember to keep it to myself and not tell them much of anything unless it is vital. Especially if it concerns my actual opinion about something. I really need to watch Dad used to say "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. There won't be a third time." My big issue is that in some cases hope springs eternal and I want to  wish for something so much that will never be there or happen. I need to remember the "There won't be a third time".

Thank God for the cute one - he saves me a ton of trouble in the long run. A slight squeeze of his hand and it reminds me that I need to stop and think about who or what I am talking to or about. He reminds me that there are people out there willing to take on a special needs kid, and this kid's mom and the situation that life has us in. The cute one reminds me that there are wonderful, loving people in the world. That in spite of all the crazy shit with school, therapists, doctors and the boy; the two of us are worthy of being a family with him and my God we are lucky.

Anyway, the candid, transparent part of any Aspie family is really detrimental to said family if there is a perceived problem with someone else outside of what I will call the Aspie-life. Being this transparent with schools, doctors, therapists, and counselors is not for the faint of heart. It really becomes a habit. Allowing someone to tip toe through the tulips of your home/personal life is something that is normally not considered acceptable. Which means that being candid/transparent/honest will probably mean you will get kicked in the ass at a later time. As long as you are ready for that - well then you can allow people into your inner sanctum (home/mcmansion/castle/shack) and be able to effectively manage everything for your Aspie. Having people run in and out of your lives means that you have to let people leave when it is time. That can prove to be embarrassing but as long as you are able to not let it get in your way of helping your Aspie at home - well you should be OK.Frankly, if you have an Aspie and are getting embarrassed about things - you are wasting your energy. Start talking your Aspie about sex, masturbation, drugs, alcohol and appropriate behavior therein and then have the fun of being embarrassed,  It doesn't work that way - embarrassment is a luxury- not for parents of an Aspie child.

OOPS I did it again, I got honest and transparent. Damn it.
Which goes back to getting surprised and getting shocked into being honest about your experiences. See what I mean, being so transparent is a habit just as being honest and candid is a habit as well.

On the negative though, it means you are TEACHING your Aspie to be the same and this may be detrimental in the long run. Because of this, most of the time,we are instructing the boy NOT to tell everyone exactly what he is thinking. I am telling him what is for home, his therapists and what is OK in public.IT is hard for him to figure out what he can and cannot do or say. He gets told "No" more times than most people his age (OK ANY ONE his age....or at least the ones we have met anyway). He has a friend, she is marvelous, and puts up with the grind here, the scheduling and the over all upheaval when things get crazy,

For example, for her, today was a test in flexibility. The boy had a test to take, it was going to take a long while and he had to take it for this one class. Suffice to say he completed it early and was going to wait for the cuter half to pick him up. Because I was sort of nearby I went to get him early but then the cute one got home late and then we got stuck at the restaurant and had to wait in line which for some reason took an hour (??).....
The lesson is that this friend was willing to wait it out. and be late for a party that was planned by other friends....and she was still gracious, kind and always helpful and as always friendly. Lucky for us she is part of our little family.

So what is tonight's lesson?
How the hell should I know?

Keep your mouth shut? Maybe especially when there is a shock involved.
OR teach your Aspie to keep it in and let it go at home in their assigned room?
          HMMM that is a thought and a really good idea (we do this - Aspergers is for the bedroom. You can have Aspergers there; once you leave your room or your home and go outside the Aspergers stays at home.)

I know, I have it - skip lunch, go to a wine tasting and then have a late that sounds like the perfect lesson for today. If I told you what I REALLY thought I would be back at the censorship option and I don't want to go there again - it will just be annoying.

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