Wednesday, September 25, 2013

"I am dependent on you and Daddy."

Not a normal statement for  a boy.

We had a gi-nourmous dust up here last night. It was big, bad and awful. Trying to get the boy to do some homework. Understanding his adjustments to new places, classes, and organization. The boy not only had a meltdown - he was unable to verbalize the real problems...his inability to comprehend an obtuse lit teacher who apparently has an ego....or maybe he really is that cool, who knows? The boy likes the class and thinks pretty highly of the teacher so far....I am a little concerned but the book the teacher wrote for class is pretty decent. Which for a textbook is saying something.

The fight amongst the guys was big, bad and UOGLY.

After re-inventing the ground rules - the Mom of the house took over. I told the boy that he had a month to change his attitude or we would be finding him a suitable place to go. I told the boy to read his lit homework and stay in his room. I told the cuter half to stay away from the boy and don't talk to him. I was very busy being the unglorified referee. I was trying to keep peace in a war zone. I know you think I am exaggerating but I am not. This part of the "Mom-job" totally sucks.

Today I insisted that the boy text only NO CALLING and the boy was NOT ALLOWED to contact his dad. At all. The arguing could start up again and I wasn't having any.

Tonight, while discussing the boy's paper, it came out. "I don't want to leave you and Daddy yet. I am not ready to go and I am too dependent on you. I need help. I don't understand this class and I don't get what I am supposed to do."

Holy Shit Batman.

So this can go one of two ways, we are either pushing the boy hard enough, doing it right and helping at the right times. OR we should go get wasted because the boy actually came up with an insight all on his own - that with his Aspergers there is no way in freaking hell he would ever recognize it (even if it came up and bit him on the nose).
I am guess we should be doing a combination of both and then telling the people who don't think he can do anything to eff off.

Actually, the autism thing is really getting to me. There are educators who are like poison in the community. They think that it is OK for these kids to flap, spin with bags on their heads and quack like ducks. The "stimming" should be accepted and that these kids should not be forced to do anything. I have a problem with that.

Maybe because my son was forced into a really crappy situation. He was pushed, locked in the "rubber room" restrained (I signed off on it and sent "We are sorry" cards to a teacher my son kicked in the balls). My son can drive a car, sit in a classroom, and do his homework.
He also can fall apart and keep his Aspergers in his bedroom because, as we have told him his bedroom is what falling apart is for. Doing so in public is not an acceptable option.

The people who think our kids can't do anything really need to shove off. I am seeing the poison now in the current educational community we are now in. It is dreadful....you have no idea.

Yes we know, the boy can't be dependent on us forever. However, do you realize how big it is that he KNOWS he is dependent and although he KNOWS he needs to make a change and is not ready to do so yet that means he is in a good place and when he is ready it will be so much easier for him long term?
THAT is worth celebrating....where is the chocolate vodka? We need some martinis.
 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Saying No

When someone says "No" it really defines the conversation. I am reminded of an acting class I heard about at Second City where the ad-lib is ongoing "We are going to ride in the boat." "Let's go over here, OMG look at the whale." - "No" is not part of the program.....no stops the whale from overtaking the boat and making the characters swim...."No" means "No".

I am finding that the word "No" without further explanation is really helpful. It means that as a parent of a special needs kid I am allowed to comfortably offer the same without guilt or recriminations.
What a freeing thing. Especially right now, the cuter half and I have little or now room for extras- and we are so exhausted it hurts to breathe.

I have done other posts on saying "No" - they were more in line with saying "No" to speeches, programs or doing something outside of our box before we were ready.
Now I can say "No" and not feel like we are not doing something we ought to have done.

"Maybe" works too, the boy has finally gotten a handle on "Maybe" - in "Mom-speak" at our home "Maybe" is akin to "No, not very likely". A firm "Maybe" means "Not likely, as I am sure I can find a bazillion other things to do in this lifetime and the next." He usually gets this kind of "Maybe" when I have been informed we are going to Best Buy, Gamestop or some other place that fills my little heart with a lot of dread.

Right now we are learning to tutor the boy in some different experiences. We are getting "professional" help and we are also stress eating. Stress eating  here means chug-a-lugging the Starbucks Iced coffees or eating all of the chocolate covered anything without ceasing. We are real healthy with the stress eating stuff. I start craving egg sandwiches and the cuterhalf wants roasted peanuts. The cuter half tells me that tonight he is going to "Start on the peach pie." and yes I did tell him "No".

So what else can I start saying "No" to....hmmmm I could say "No" to doing laundry, messing with cat food (mixing green beans, cod liver oil and fish is such a fun thing at 5 AM) or even "No" to matching socks.....it is a pretty heady and liberating thing saying "No".....

This is gonna last about a week and then we will start over loading again....but for now, we can say "No".




 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

It aches

There are a lot of aches and pains around the house today. The dampness although needed is aggravating my soreness and the barometric pressure is funking out my mellow.

The boy was being one of the pains. He finally calmed down, watched the game (Go Team) and was able to socialize, in his way.

The cuter half and I are exhausted. Which is a common thread in our lives and home. We finally decided that the boy will not be able to graduate with a BA or a BS as after the years of school he will have his certificates and maybe an Associates. We just don't think we can tutor him for another 4 to 6 years. 2 years is going to be about ALL we can handle. I am still thinking he could take online classes but the cuter half and I will not be able to help him go over stuff he doesn't get....he will have to be mature enough to go it without tutoring.

Yet another social issue has reared its ugly head. The boy doesn't understand creepy, nor does he get it when he is being socially out of bounds. We go over it and over it and he just doesn't get it....he is not willing to recognize what he needs to be like to be socially appropriate.
90% of the time it is a social thing that is just beyond his radar. He is sorry about it and will apologize. The cuter half and I have told him that he shouldn't bother with the girls that report him for "being creepy" as they are the ones that will get him in more trouble. He thinks these girls are being nice to him.
????
He doesn't get it.

The cute one and I argued with him about it this AM. We also argued about a hair cut... a friend did a first attempt haircut on him last night...Although a nice first attempt the boy looked like a mental patient or refugee. We had to explain that she wouldn't be mad that we had it cut professionally but it took a while for it to sink in and a couple of texts from his friend and it was better.

An early bed time and he will be back on track tomorrow.

I haven't slept, worrying about this meeting, we have had tons of the good kind of excitement today and a good time last night and really I need to sleep more than a couple of hours but that seems to be all I can manage. I think that PTSD and me are going to be good friends for a long time and I will need to do something about it eventually. It will be the only way I can handle some of his issues and still be rational, reasonable and functional.

In the mean time everything aches. All over.
 

Monday, September 9, 2013

It's Monday

It's Monday here at our house.
Monday's are not the most fun.
Monday means that Tuesday is coming and Tuesday means the boy has to go to class uber early and it is hard to keep things going.

We are trying something new....I am not crazy over it but I am noticing that the meltdowns are fewer. The screaming I expected when I took the boy's car to put gas in it didn't happen.
The fact that he is making soup tonight for practice and is reviewing his work without falling apart means that something is working correctly.

Actually though the boy was not terribly aggressive unless we expect him to do something. Correction, if we expect him to do anything....laundry, cleaning his room, washing his uniform for class, working on homework, working on school, letting me know if his car needed gas, taking out recycling....well all would engage in a pretty big hissy fit.

Not today.

I am not certain the changes are really helping.
We have only tried this new thing since last Friday. It really could be working. Seriously. Prior to this the cuter half would say, "Honey, give it a chance and see if it will work." I gave the one thing a chance- since 8th grade and you know what? IT DID NOT WORK. Our last vacation was the end of what he wanted with that "chance" I called the doc and we made some serious changes.

Right now the cuter half and the boy are reviewing. I am not hearing yelling, screaming or the usual hissy fit. I am not hearing anything. I am hiding in the home office waiting for the other shoe to drop and I am not hearing it. Methinks I may be harking too soon but then again maybe not. Maybe, maybe it will work....
Maybe it won't but maybe it will; the boy is having a fit (not  a full blown meltdown hissy screaming fit) about making his soup for class. He doesn't understand why we tell him to practice at home first....the boy thinks he is Mario Batali and doesn't need to practice
 


If it is working, my hope will start raising it's little head again and maybe, just maybe we can have more or better expectations than we do now.

The cuter half keeps reminding me that there are a lot of good things going on....the school work, driving, classes and life are pretty darn good and pretty darn full for the boy right now.....it is the little details (excetuive functioning, organization) that are dragging us down.
Deep down I know my cuter half is right. He always is....really it is kind of disgusting how he can be right about so much most of the time....BUT I still have these snarky little doubts that come up. Maybe it is insecurity, maybe it is exhaustion.

This is the part that most people don't see; the work the cute one and I put into the boy doing everything he does. We really work hard. We give up a lot.....we give up what we like and want to do for him. To help him to make things better for him to be there for him.

I am hoping that things go right this time....I really am.


(Although the boy has to cut a TON of onions tonight- he hates onion cutting....and he hasn't gotten it yet that if he puts his fingers in his eyes after doing so will only make it worse- a good Mom wouldn't snicker but he has to learn sometime)


 

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

2 weeks in

We are 2 weeks into a new experience for us.
As I mentioned prior I am glad the boy had accepted his life changes.
I am not glad that the cuter half and I have been thrown under the bus and rolled on about a bazillion times and then tossed back out again.

Really it is no ones fault. The resources aren't there like we are used to. We do not have the connections nor do we have the time to go and hang out at the new place and build up the connections. We have stuff we want to do and places we want to go and these things are NOT boy related.

The cuter half has a theory- Hey this is a good one too- that self advocacy has to start in the younger grades. He is right. It does. Most parents are deluded and think their kid can't ask for stuff at school. Look at it this way if your kid can tell you what they want for Christmas, Birthday, or any other holiday- then they can advocate for themselves.

Yup they really can.

So if your little darling comes home and wants the One Direction lunch box, back pack and ipad cover....well then your darling can walk up to their teacher and say "I get extended time, I get my test read, and I get a copy of the notes from class." Like with making a Christmas list advocacy takes practice. As with most practices, bribery can work wonders. We aren't above bribery with the boy, we call them "deals" or "agreements" to make it sound a little more legitimate.

Now in our current life experience the note takers in his class are NOT giving him the notes. I have no idea why but I am guess the boy is being a clueless wonder and not asking for them. I realize this is only week 2 and we can't expect miracles.... although I am wondering if it is too soon to plan another trip to get us a break from the boy.

It really is getting to be a lot and I am not kidding when I say it gets worse when the kids are older. There are times when we wish we were in a different situation as if we were people might actually think we needed additional support. That is a truly wimpy way to think and I don't go there often, only when I am tired and worried.

 Being in the land of higher education is either going to turn me into a total drinker or I am going to go stark raving mad.
Or both depending on the day.....
We have  a teacher who doesn't know the spelling differences between "to", "too" and "two". Although they are teaching english I am still very concerned. Although then there is me, one glass of wine and I can't spell "hoaders" so who am I to talk about a basic grammar issue?


 

Monday, September 2, 2013

The Hoarding Tendancy- Pooping and Life.

Today's topic is Hoarding. 
Have you seen that program? Seriously, those people are attached to a little piece of paper. Escribing either emotional feelings to it or remembering excactly which garbage can they found it.

Hoarding is tough......it is like taking a collection and going to the maximum level.

Good friends have heard us say that the cute one and I are hoarders to some degree. We collect things....usually something kind of unusual or cool and now we have probably more cool stuff than we need. The boy has too much stuff too. He knows it and although he was not amused with the cuter half and I we did "organize" his bedroom while he was on a visit to Grandmas. IT was in dire need of work....otherwise the room would have been condemned- Now at least we can walk in there.

Anyway, we are finding that life after HS is a real "cultural experience" I can be honest and say that I am glad the boy accepted his diploma. I will say that is it debateable that any higher functioning person is going to find help unless the family is uber wealthy and has unlimited resources. Thus far I am not impressed with what is out there.  Our recent experiences were amongst the better but prior to that we had be chastised for going on a delayed honeymoon and we had also been informed that we were not good enough parents (Ef that).

The boy is having a tough time knowing that he can request resources at higher level education; but in some scenarios there are little or no resources to be had. He is really struggling to keep the whole thing going and we are looking at making some serious changes to his medical and the herbal end of how he is doing.

The anti depressents are not working for him. I have said this for a LONG TIME- the doc and the cuter half did not concurr until we were on a family vacation and I called the doc while we were gone and explained that we had need of help with the med thing because this isn't working and the cute one and I are banging back a bottle of wine a night. With the anti-depressents the boy has been irritable and difficult to deal with on a regular basis. I don't believe this is his fault or ours. We have been increasing the pro-biotics which if you don't know what that is - think of it like a "yogurt pill" which will help clean you out and keep things regular- right now he needs about 2-3 of these little pills a day. we still need help with the funky voices and anxiety levels which the pro-biotics and other supplements will help to a varying degree.

We need to work on his diet and activity level because of the natural Aspie Lazy that the boy has it is pretty hard to get him to get off his fat arse and move. WHich means that the berating of his parents is at an all time high which means that Mom and Dad are ready for another vacation without him.....Most of this is the boy's insecurity and he needs to not eat crap food every day.

Which will now go back to the hoarding tendancy- which could also be ascribed to OCD, which means if you let the buggers get away with what appears to be cute now it won't be cute later.

I have a lot more to say on this topic but I also know that I am exhausted, tired and hungry and I would like another glass of wine with dinner so I will have to start back with this again later.


At the boy's age there is still the natural progression of kicking the baby birds out of the nest. This is completely normal and as I mentioned to the cuter half tonight we are feeling antsy like this because the boy is supposed to be moving out and he isn't ready yet. It  is OK that he isn't ready and eventually he will be ready but for right now he isn't there and the boy did recognise that he isn't at that point yet and we will all know when it is the right time to happen for him.