Tuesday, August 30, 2011

You Lost it!

"Where is my homework? You touched my pile of papers that fell out of my binder when you opened it."

The boy "mislaid" his math homework. TO his credit, he has been going to get assistance during the school day. His homework load during the evening is enormous. However, like most Aspies, the organization of such has much to be desired.

Tonight's almost meltdown was over his homework.....or the lack thereof. I had gone into his binder to see what his schedule was for a calendar I was looking at. He proceeded to have a conniption when I asked him where his homework was and why it wasn't in the folder. Instead multiple classes were in the front of his binder and he informed me that, "I don't care if it isn't organized, you lost it, it is all your fault." After THAT tirade I decided that I didn't care what he said I wasn't believing that he did his work and that he had better come up with a better one to tell me.

This doesn't make the Mom of the house want to help much. Kind of like the spoiled kids who sued their Mom for the lack of college care packages and homecoming dress.....give me a break OK. It is not my job to keep track of homework. I will encourage DOING the homework and help if I am asked but it is not my job as a parent to keep track of every stupid piece of paper. I knew where my homework was when I had to do it.....it is now his turn to give it a shot.

After much yelling by the boy about how organization sucks and that his paper was thrown out (???really by whom- I just found a bunch of papers in the binder and dropped them on the table) I left the room. I don't get paid enough to put up with this crap.

About 20 min later he came in and asked me to help with a different class of homework....the lack of apology for being a world class jerk showed and the lack of being allowed to play video games is going to show more when things go "missing" this evening......hmmmm. I am a good Mom BTW - fortunately MY parents didn't put up with junk like this and neither will the cuter one and I.

In an oblique sort of way tonight's message is about being responsible and not blaming others for your faults. Whether they be yours, your parents, siblings, whatever.

For myself, I know when I mess up good...and being the way I am my messes are always much better than most peoples (I can get really creative too, which helps). I make certain I do a thorough and complete job when I screw up. I even accept when I have been wrong and apologize (if ya don't get an apology from me that means it isn't required and won't be forthcoming)....fortunately I have been informed nightly I have been wrong about something; even though I know I am not......Lucky for me I have very reliable sources telling me I am right....rather than listen to someone else I am going with my reliable sources.....they are nice to me.

The boy, on the other hand is "skating on thin ice" as far as this evenings lack of being responsible goes.... his inability to accept what was wrong and the "I was mad" Tough beaners kid. No chick is gonna put up with that junk...I ought to know. HE will learn but it is the learning curve that is the most painful part.

Tomorrow will be a better day but for today the weariness sets in and I am tired. The cuter one is tired too....and yes I did a BIG mess up with him as well although just maybe I did a good thing with the giant frosted sugar cookie. Doubt it though....I am gonna be apologizing and living this one down for at least a year. With good reason too.....how dumb can I be? (Don't answer that..I already know thanks so much.)

Classic example of accepting responsibility and apologizing when wrong...and yes I am still apologizing to the cute one....after all he is really cute.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Being helpful

The boy is being helpful.
It started when we got back into town. I don't know if he is turning over a new leaf or finding that life is so much easier when he tries to assist with home projects. The other day he was helping me shop. We had NO food in the house, maybe this was a two-fold assist: if he wanted to eat he had to shop  with me to get the food for us to eat.

Then he realized that his dad, the cuter one, was exhausted and decided we needed to make dinner. He chose hamburgers, with pasta and white cheese sauce and fruit. Really pretty good choices and he started the burgers around 4, and tried to time it all out....didn't do too bad but would have done better without my help (I am a lousy cook).

What I am getting at is that he helped/

He also pointed out a potential issue in one of his classes. I burst a cork.....technically I had a hissy fit. I understand why they did what they did. Students on the spectrum and others are likely to be taken advantage of  and in this class they get stuck doing all the clean up cause the kids are kind of jerks like that. It happens. The boy normally doesn't complain but he doesn't like getting stuck on clean up detail very often. SO the teacher thought it would be better to have a separate group and then have the kids in that group work on the project and still get to do ALL The jobs. Makes sense but looking at it from the OUTSIDE....well it doesn't look so hot.

The boy told us he didn't like it much and he was uncomfortable with it....it felt odd.

Well yeah it felt odd. He doesn't realize that having Aspergers is being disabled. We tell him that he has to have his Aspergers work for him not him working for his Aspergers. That means he works harder, trys harder and does harder stuff than most people. Many teachers don't understand that in THIS house if he uses the "I have Aspergers I can't" phrase he gets grounded for a month.

THere is no excuse for doing his absolute best- he does and it shows.

This week he did ALL of his homework....we have NOTHING to work on this evening AND he has completed helping around the house AND did the laundry without being asked.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

August 10 ten Postings

Here is a review of the most popular postings for August 2011 TOP TEN POSTINGS:

Jul 30, 2011
Aug 24, 2011
Aug 22, 2011
Aug 25, 2011
Aug 5, 2011
Aug 2, 2011
Jul 25, 2011
Jul 2, 2011,
Jul 7, 2011
Mar 23, 2010

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Hell hath no fury

like a Mom who discovers that her Asperger's son has noticed that a teacher put him in a "special group" with a "safety teacher".

Excuse me?


There are some teachers that should take their little licenses and high tail it out of here. I am quite FURIOUS over this situation. Because of my "anger issue" the cuter one had to take this one on. Besides the fact that my civility is DEBATABLE.....my language might be worse.

There are few times when my Irish gets the best of me. This is one of them. Although I think the cuter one handled this appropriately I think this teacher had better get her head out of her butt and actually learn to do her job. Hopefully there will be SOMETHING done about what she did to my son and her little "Asperger's group" will be expanded to include herself and her insecurities about having a student on the spectrum in her classroom.

I am still dumbfounded. Excuding a student of my son's abilities because of his Aspergers? SHE has NO IDEA the fury she has unleashed. Although the cuter one has told me to calm down.....I am so angry right now....HOW MANY OTHERS HAS THIS THING DONE IT TO??? Who does she think she is? Overpaid....obviously.

Get thee into training thou lazy no good creature.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Video Games Strike this Summer

Questionable language in this one- be warned more delicate readers.

Ahhh the lovely summer evenings.

The kids are quiet, the noise is low the hum of an air conditioner/fan/or wind chimes in the background.

"It's not the video games you jerk-ass"

The boy was allowed to play video games for longer than 15 min the other evening. It was the cuter one's idea. I had nothing to do with it and I didn't approve it.

We had guests and from what I hear, the boy played this video game the entire time our guests were here. He has now lost the privilege. The cuter one keeps giving it back. I don't agree with this and I refuse to be dealing with them any longer. I keep saying, "It all goes" Unfortunately, like almost anything else in this house I am not listened to.

As per usual the video game downfall happens after unlimited usage. Using shampoo, soap and other toiletry items goes out the window after a bout of video game playing. The cuter one has been told that the systems are leaving the house or I will make the systems leave the house. Normally when I get to this point I have absolutely NO PROBLEM getting rid or things. Tossing in the garbage is normally a favored option; frankly it doesn't bother me one bit. If the cuter one is smart (which he is) he knows that these things had better GO AWAY before I get ahold of them and MAKE them gone.

Most reasoning ability is decimated after playing video games; the boy gets stuck repeatedly. The wanter goes into major over drive. The term "selfish poop" comes to mind. Most Aspies are pretty single minded anyway. They are taught compassion and how to think of others. This is UNLIKE narcissism. With narcissism, the person is all about themselves (or their interests) and unable to learn how to think of others and their feelings. Most Aspies can learn compassion; and they can learn how to get unstuck. The boy has problems getting unstuck after playing video games. I have found that I lack patience with him getting stuck on the games and therefore the game systems are quickly disappearing throughout the house. Parts go missing and are not replaced.

The worst of it is the boy doesn't get that he has issues with his wanter getting stuck, his lack of compassion, his inability to think clearly after playing the blasted games. He doesn't see that it is the video games and that being around him AFTER he has played them is intolerable for anyone and the cuter one and I are completely sick of it.

NO I am completely sick of it and there is very little regarding this particular issue that I will tolerate any longer. In fact, on an annual trip the video games were played, at a restaurant/bar and completely left alone at the residence......he didn't even ask to get the systems out although I know for a fact he brought the games with him.

Not only did the video games strike, I put them all on strike as well.

Don't mess with a Mom who has been called a "jerk-ass" - it doesn't bode well for anyone involved.

Monday, August 22, 2011

A new year

This summer was much different than the last.
First off a lot of stuff happened. Then nothing happened....then MORE stuff happened.
Now we are at the day before the first day of school. I remember back when the boy FIRST went to school. I had done solo at an IEP meeting. I had been so "discombobulated" by the experience I went to a restaurant ordered some coffee and a dessert and ate it for lunch while reviewing the paperwork. I sat there for a LONG time trying to process what had just happened and the realization that the boy was going to go to school at such a young age really began to sink in.

Now he is in HS. We are looking at colleges......but really a very limited number are able to work with kids on the spectrum. I am concerned. ________st has a program but it isn't really for college credit but the kids get the college experience. I don't think that is the right placement for the boy although I do think it is a credible program. ___U has a good program; but I think the campus is too far for him. He wants to go there but I think he should stay home for a bit yet. I think we are looking at 2 particular places and the thought is overwhelming to me. I don't know if he can manage.....I think he may, I hope he can but the not KNOWING is very difficult. I know, have faith, God will provide and all that. Yes he will, and there are times when as a parent you need to KNOW....maybe more answers will be forthcoming this year.

Maybe the L-Carnitine is helping? We tried it for 2 weeks and I am noticing MORE mature discussions coming out of him which is highly unusual.....but it could be my wishful thinking or maybe the boy is growing up. He is so helpful these days...which is a nice change.....he also wants to help and has been very good with the requests today. SOme mild frustration but we are doing well as of right now...

Friday, August 5, 2011

GOD, I wish it were that easy.

I'm BORED....... goodness I haven't said THAT in a while.
Every once in a rare while the mom of the house gets bored.
I am not into a lot of things on TV. I escape into my FB farm or my city or my mess in my office and I just don't want to bother with some of the other stuff. I need to find my book again and I want to make a book of my blogs....but that is another post all together.

Tonight, on TV, it was Lord of the Thingdoodle. Very disrespectful....I know there are BIG fans of it and I am certain if I could have sat thru the first one this one might have done something for me. I got lost with something (?) called "Gollum". Fortunately, the boy was automatically interested. He has been attempting to organize a thing I am designating as a "movie club". A group of friends go check out the newest movies. He and his crew has seen almost all of them on opening day.

The best part is, he had to organize his TIME, and at one point be certain to be home for his classes, and still  have enough time to sleep to get to his internship in the AM. IT all worked out but he was exhausted.

Flexibility, organization, time, doing stuff.....it is all a problem at one time or another with an Aspie teen. This has been his summer of learning. He has learned what he will accept from and what he won't. I know to a number of you this seems to be an ongoing theme. Unfortunately, weeks, months later and we are still dealing with backlash from recent social events. Yes, you think I am exaggerating. You aren't taking all the texts, calls and going to the therapy sessions. This is true for  issues that happened YEARS ago are still fresh and can be reborn with the slightest provication. Almost like it happened yesterday; and to learn from it the boy shall, but the onslaught is  the current thing for us. Beating the dead horse and analyzing half to death....that is ONLY the begining. Explaining the nuances and the meaning of what things are socially and why people do what they do and think the way they do....that is the hard part.

As I mentioned to some friends yesterday, "Thank GOD for therapists; The one the boy has can answer questions I can't." The boy may be over-therapatized but thankfully has the sense to know WHEN to call for his therapists and to try to listen to what they are telling him....if only he would listen to us that often.

Movies are a distraction. He can contact his crew, go to a movie and talk about the movie for a while and then he comes home, sees pictures hanging on the wall and gets stuck (I took the pictures down....they will need replaced). I am thanking God daily that there is a group for the boy to go to the movies with. Get him out, get him to stop thinking/remembering/rehashing about those things.....make him concentrate on something else for a while. Regain perspective and try again.

God, I wish it were that easy.

IT sounds so simple, "Oh, it is OK time will take care of it." For the boy, it ain't so simple. Time, for him, is an obscure concept. After an experience like he had it can make things a roller coaster for awhile. That is what we are working on now....the highs are SOOOO  high and the lows are SOOOOO low. We need a happy medium. We had a happy medium at the begining of the summer....kinda lost that about mid way got a little of it back with the schedule (no time to contemplate) and now we are back at the OMG it is a problem again. It is the rollercoaster we can't get off of; imagine going around and around on Space Mountain, the Demon, or the Tidal Wave....the balance we have is very delicate. We are dealing with an amazing number of things, Aspergers, social anxiety, and stress. A gen would explode with just one of those things- the boy is expected to deal with these things and do it with grace and good humor.

Difficult, especially when he is so well mannered he would like to tell people to stuff it and won't. Although now, I have a feeling he probably will.....it has been the summer of learning for him. I know for a fact he has done it. He did tell a kid to, "Stop worrying about my life and go get your own." Hasn't had a problem with that kid since, and I am pretty certain he has used that line on a few others.(Classic- he came up with that one on his own).

Memories for the boy are painful. Most of the time he isn't able to come up with a bunch of sunshine and roses unless we really push him to do it. He is so used to negative (as are we) that the negative is all he remembers feeling. Like the cuter one mentioned, the fact that we are relatively isolated makes things much different for us. Believe it or not, we try harder than most people. Our expectations are MUCH higher than most peoples (in our situation). Much to our dismay, the boy's "Labrador Retriever" will come out when he is super exicted or really wants to try hard and doesn't know what to do.

I am hoping that "movie club", interning, sports and school help him keep it all under control.
If the boy really wants to own a business like he says he has to get off the rollercoaster and let other people ride......and walk away to a different line at the park. He also has to stop letting people make him feel like something less than he is. I hope he can do it, It has taken me years but I am at a good place where I am happy in my own skin. I would like my son to be there too.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Referring to another blog

At this juncture, I would like everyone to look at Penelope Trunk's blog. I had recommended it before. She writes about life, specifically her life. She is a successful adult with Aspergers. She has a good career with writing, start ups and other things. It is interesting. I read her stuff, semi regularly and she reminds me to keep it real.

I had been told that things like this are family secrets and family stuff should be kept quiet; writing about it, talking about it is a bad thing "for the family". I read something this evening that made sense to me. Maybe you will read the entire post to Penelope Trunk's blog and maybe you won't. This particular quote hit home, " I am positive that keeping family secrets only serves to protect people who treat family members like shit."

Although she was discussing other issues, it really is something to consider. Keeping things secret, like your kid's real diagnosis or what they ate that is making them act up or an Aspie trying to tell a lie....well it seems to make sense when Penelope talks about it. You may not appreciate some of her language, look past that and go into the thoughts and the ideas Penelope presents....to me are something really good for any adult on the spectrum AND to the parents of kids on the spectrum....Go read it, give the girl a chance.

The other thing that came to mind was comparing Aspergers to narcissism. It came to MY mind anyway...think about it;

One is considered a disability, the other a negative trait. Both appear show up in a kid with a disability. Any disability. It is hard for a disabled kid to realize that the wanter that is stuck or the poor behavior can be negatively viewed as VERY narcissistic. The thing is though, unsticking the wanter is sorta easy (although this evening if the boy asks me one more time for a book I am going to flush it down the toilet), in comparison to dealing with a very narcissistic person or people. A narcissist is defined as 1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity. or 2. Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.

Makes you think doesn't it?

Then Aspergers is defined as Asperger’s is sometimes referred to as high functioning autism. All those with Asperger’s, by definition, have a normal IQ. Often, Asperger’s is not diagnosed till later in life, though increasingly it is being diagnosed early. Those with Asperger’s have difficulty in social interaction, tend to be considered eccentric, and often have monomania's. However, they are able to function in the world of the more neurotypical. It is named after Hans Asperger, who originally described it in Vienna in 1944. Many people with Asperger's consider their condition a difference rather than a disorder, and wish to choose for themselves what they will be, and how they are to be seen.

So where does that leave us this evening?

Well in an ideal world I would say, "Goodnight folks, hope you can figure it all out."
In the real world?

I think now is a good time for all of us to go back and read some Brian King who has a great program going with Spectrum Mentor....that is another resource that needs to be examined; his stuff is well researched and thought out. FYI- he is a successful adult with Aspergers....and a good friend. Grabbing Tony Atwood's book is something that can help keep things together too. I keep mine on my desk and sometimes in my purse.  Take a look at Penelope's discussion on Aspergers. She details a number of features about life and work. IT is worth the read.
IF you feel the need to read up on narcissism there are some great books at the local library. I found several that really gave me a new perspective on how to help the boy relate and although he isn't narcissistic the cuter one and I are going to work darn hard to keep it that way.

The other thing, is learning that arguing with someone who has already decided who and what someone is or could be is kind of like beating a dead horse (my Dad's allegory, it is a good one). There is very little point in further discussion. In fact, one of the books I read on narcissism discussed that very thing. Trying to argue with someone who twists everything you say, trying to manipulate someone into doing specifically what they want.......well it is pretty much like talking to a wall. Although there are times when the wall would give you a better response than someone who is attempting to twist the meaning of what you have said or written.

As with any situation, there are behaviors at home that can be worked on. I know for certain we are going to be working with the boy to be more thoughtful (when the cuter one and I walk in the door it is NOT a good idea to say, "I want", "I have to" or "I must have" all 3 are conversation dead ends). He is grasping that he gets more credit when he helps with laudry, dinner and clean up than if he plonks himself on his butt all day and reads comic books.

I think that looking at this topic is really worth discussing. I decided today that this particular post is going to be a running topic....it seems like it would be worth bringing up again.

(ooh oooh that sounds narcissistic doesn't it??? we can have a lot of fun with this topic.)