Saturday, November 23, 2013

Maybe painted pink....

Are there times when you just would like things to go ever so well then your reality strikes and you realize that rather than dealing with whatever it is you would rather just paint it pink and be done with it?

Trouble came by tonight to tell me that he would like to have a new bed room. He thought that maybe when the boy moves out. Then we would have a spare room that would be made over for the kittens- Trouble told me pink with sparkles.
I thought it sounded OK... To explain- the cuter half and I play around with "Trouble thinks". Trouble is very loquacious and has a lot of great ideas. He tells the cuter half who tells me what latest and greatest Troubles thoughts that come down the pike.



I guess the reason it sounded so cool was that the boy is being a bit of a poop. OK not a bit, a major big toilet filling poop that messes up the plumbing.

Actually most of the problem comes down to perceptions. To the boy, not Troubles, it is the cuter half and my fault that the boy has homework; he has a test and paper due Monday, he has a project for a class that was cancelled and 2 sessions of pe to get completed.
He is busy- and he is very involved in what I refer to ask dicking around on his ipad doing a whole lot of nothing.

Ergo, the boy blames us for the fact that he is not able to sit on his lazy butt and do nothing. The odd thing is he had no clue what he would do if he weren't in college and he doesn't want to be a dish washer for the rest of his life....he wants to do something more but is as clueless as Trouble when it comes to making a reasonable determination.

The cuter half and I had fun tonight, we went on a community walk and we went shopping (a little) and went out for dinner....it was fun. Then we got to come home. Why do we go home after having fun? We should just stay out and away from the noise and confusion.

We got berated, we got told we were stupid, lazy and assholes. Then I got told I was a bitch for not helping the boy with whatever it was he wanted (he lost me at the bitch thing- I decided he was not relevant and I didn't need to listen anymore tonight). Frankly I am not sure why he thought I was a bitch....when the boy starts berating me and the cuter half is when I stop responding or listening to him. Which honestly isn't a good answer; the boy hates being ignored, but there are times when I have to block it out. I cannot handle listening to any more tripe and muck.

On an unrelated issue, still the boy says that God is not there for people like him, he thinks that God doesn't want him or will help him with anything. My thought is that maybe the boy doesn't want God helping him because that means the boy would actually have to work at something and not stay at home.
Honestly, after his church experiences I can't really blame him. Churches are not the most welcoming places to the boy- he has his social bit and most of these people are pretty judgemental and even kids his age won't give him the time of day when he would go.
We had hoped he would make friends when he was in sports in school. That didn't happen either. In fact the boy was walking home from his internship and was asked to come wrestle with the team at practice and his response was, "Why should I come and wrestle with you when you didn't want me here in the first place when I was in school? Why should I come now when you don't want me around anyway?"
Makes sense- even supposed church friends that he used to have don't really want him around. It is work to be around a kid like this- it takes effort and time.

Tonight I know I am tired, and the little bit of freedom we had this evening makes me resent all the stuff we have or have been asked to do this week (which is more than what I am mentioning here). I don't plan on being helpful for those who don't really need it or being responsible for those people either.
Maybe that is why I am annoyed - that stuff and then dealing with the boy drama as well is enough to want to tell people to eff off.
There are two sayings I hear recently and I think both qualify:
"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a damn."
and the next one:
"A person who deserves my loyalty receives it." Joyce Maynard
(you may think you deserve my loyalty and I may not concur)
 

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Working for a living- BEFORE and AFTER MEETING THE CUTER HALF

CONTENT WARNING- SOME OF THIS POST has information and details from before the cuter half and I were married, and some of my past history.
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We all work.
Whether we are working at home, being a full time parent, or working outside the home.
The thing is, as a working outside the home mom I have noticed some things. Most of the things I have noticed would be considered to be highly offensive to those who have opted to stay at home.

First of all, when I lived with my parents, (yes I did when I was separated from my ex and the boy was young) there were 2 working moms in the neighborhood. Me and the neighbor lady. We worked at offices all day, then came home and worked with our kids at home. Her kids were older and younger than mine.....her husband traveled for his job so she was managing the same way I was.....which means sort of. My parents helped me a lot - most of the other neighbor people wouldn't talk to me; divorce is taboo not only in church - one parishioner told me I was going to hell. Most women think divorcees are after their husbands- crazy but true. I was  too busy to pay attention to that nonsense....running around with my kid taking him to therapies (Speech, Psych, OT and PT), and working. When I met the cute one I was still figuring out the single working mom thing, and was way more strung out on caffeine than I ever had been before. He got me off the 10+ cups a day habit and down to about 1-5 cups (if it is a bad, stressful day I get a little caffeine crazy and make more)

I have found that working kind of keeps me a little more sane than the usual mayhem. Normally the cute one and I are running about at full speed on the weekends. Right now we are helping the boy with projects from school and giving him ideas about papers and teaching him math (he certainly isn't getting instruction from his teacher). This year is kind of like homeschooling- we are the tutors, the supporters, the academic counselors, the planners, the cheerleaders, the yellers the mean, evil rotten horrible parents who everyone hates. We are the inadvertent bad guys again.

How we get that "bad people" role is beyond me. We have expectations beyond what I call the "basement goals" and "Magic 101". Because we don't fall down in a worshipful pose when someone tells us our son can only take 2 classes instead of full time....we are a little more driven than most other parents because we know these kids can do it. They can go to school, graduate, and be somebody. Oh and guess what? They get to have a life too- a family, a house, a car, laundry, dirty dishes and mow the lawn....these kids are people that will be employable and have a life outside of the current home they are in= or better yet the basement.

But then again if you are in the "basement goals" belief system....well, that is your choice. Just remember, you cannot push your beliefs on everyone. So if you believe that all Aspies tell lies, or they are all assholes, morons and jerks. Well, that is what you believe....but don't expect everyone to go along with it. Especially parents like us- cause you know what? We won't put up with that kind of bullshit. So telling our kid that he is stressed and overwhelmed? That is counter-productive and not an effective use of his or your time. In the grades we had a school psych tell us that the boy was stressed and overwhelmed and we would live to regret pushing him so hard repeatedly and you know what? We got the boy away from that nonsense as quickly as we could. Using the "stressed and overwhelmed" bit is an excuse to sit on his fat little butt-in-sky and not do anything at all. Unfortunately, excuses the boy comes up with are pretty darn creative- the stressed excuse one is only used after all the other ones have bit the dust. Oh and he doesn't know you very well and is trying to do a major snow job....He won't lie, he will just let one assume he is stressed becuase then they don't expect anything from him.

Working is all part of the school bit. That is the kids JOB. Going to school is similar to working....and that is why the kids are in school. They need to get used to working and finding something to do that will help them become productive.
Although it doesn't always seem that way and it is harder than hard and you are more tired than tired....we all have to push our kids. Schools won't do it themselves. This is up to the parents to make their kids do whatever it is they don't want to do, or whatever they need to do to get through it and take from it what they can.


 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Changes

We are adjusting to change. The boy is in a new place and getting used to making "grown up decisions"

To say it was not going well is pretty much an understatement.
However, to show where we are at...well we are exhausted. All I want to do is take a major vacation.

We just had one.

The boy is irritable, he is having fun and doesn't want to study or work hard. Counseling at the higher education level is a joke. He needs to have some one tell him to get off his duff and study. We now had to hire someone to do it.....and academic coach. It is kind of expensive. Yes the boy is paying for it himself. He needs the motivation to do the work and I still don't get how he did so well in HS but now is not able to do homework on his own or make an effort when he isn't at home.

The best part is, I have started charging him for my time. If I help him with notecards for his one class it is $.50 for each replacement card. If I type his notes it is $5.00 a sitting.
I haven't WANTED to be this way but I am finding that he has MORE respect for my time if I do.

We are still dealing with problems... he is not grasping that the cute one and I are not going to go along with him dictating terms to us about the whys and wherefores. Shouting and cussing at me does not make me do what he wants me to do. I do the opposite or I do nothing at all.

I realize he has had a lot of changes but it is time to pull on the big boy pants and cope with it. Aspies and others need to realize that the world doesn't stop for them and their little tantrums. They have to be able to function in the world and deal with the fallout.