Friday, September 28, 2012

Brian King's Social Media 101

Brian R. King - SOCIAL MEDIA 101: When commenting on someone's profile remember that you are a guest in someone else's house. If as a guest you bring criticism, negativity or judgement you likely won't be invited back. We are here to lift each other up NOT to air our petty grievances on someone else's profile. I could go on but I hope this will suffice..


Bri is a buddy of ours. He is really good at coming up with vital topics. I don't always have the time to comment. this one I shared....and I think if people remembered that making comments is like being a guest maybe offensive comments wouldn't happen as often.....

I know a lot of people don't like this blog....I'm not doing it for them.
I know people tell me it gets too real.
Yes, it does and so does life.
The commitment I made to writing this blog is one of being real. Feeling tired, having a drink, reading trashy books....all in an effort to do a better job with the boy.

I know that as parents I don't always do things right and the boy goes to the cuter half for help....we are lucky to have a cuter half. Some people don't.

Anyway, read Bri's stuff- go on FB or Google and look him up....you might learn sumthin'.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Put a sock in it.

Inane muttering by a young aspie male just makes life harder- for him.

I now understand why the alcohol rate is higher with parents that have kids on the spectrum than not. Some of us don't sleep well at night. My personal fav is Melatonin, but others may prefer a more creative route. We still have some port and some kind of funky elephant fruit thing in the fridge on the nights when we need some assistance.....or just want a drink.

Tonight for example is really a struggle for me, the lone female of the house, to not run into the family room with the estrogen flying screaming, "Do we have to hear any more about this crap?" then quietly walk out again and go find a kitty cat to solve the rest of the worlds issues with. Yea, yea, not the mature route, but the visual certainly sounds like a good time.....we are listening to the boy scream about algebra and how we are terrible parents for not helping him more.....so what is this garbage, he wants us to do the work for him- don't think so dude.

I know understand why my parents went out every night of the week and left me at home to make my own dinner (really amazing that I didn't grasp the cooking thing). If I went it was out of despiration for decent food.
Not that my Mom didn't cook; she did.....once in a while when my siblings came home.....otherwise the lament of "There is no point in cooking for 3 people. I made reservations." or "There's a banquet tonight, you have to eat what is in the pantry...go make something." I lived on Knox noodles and the rice stuff for a good long time.....which really is OK and I kind of miss it now when I have to eat stuff I don't like. I hear we are having french onion soup (YUCK- soggy bread nasty- I ended up with grape nuts) tonight....not only do I have to deal with the gas crisis later I know I will be in for the nightmares with the oders that will be in the bedroom......

On another positive note- I have heard from a reliable source that a male aspie at 18 gets slightly better when they become 29. But only slightly.....then, well, OK I know what is coming.....
No, no I don't and the thought of this terrifies me too.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Creating boundaries.

Making boundaries is a common topic in our home. Living with an aspie male more or less makes it a necessity.
We have some boundaries that some people would think are excessive.
For example, the boy is not allowed in the cuter half and my bedroom. That is the private zone and we, the cute one and I go there to get away from the drama that usually surrounds the boy.

Other boundaries are not so visible.
We are finding that the boy is exhausting us. He is so argumentative and demanding with the cute one and I. He doesn't realize that he is pushing us away because he thinks that he isn't worthy of being in a loving family. I think there is more to it than that but his perspective is that the cute one and I are mean, cruel people who are beneath contempt.

Then ten minutes later he comes back and is loving sweet and asking for help.

The cute one and I are being manipulated....at least that is the way it feels.

When we talk to teachers or staff they tell us that his behavior is normal. I look back and I am thinking I know I was a pain in the neck but I just don't remember being that bad. My usual reaction to most things was to lock myself in my bedroom because it was quiet there and I could do what I wished.

The boy has a nice room and he does spend a lot of time there but it seems like he is spilling his drama all over the house.

Yesterday I thought I was just tired.
It wasn't just that.
I was dealing with "boy drama" while at work, then i got home and discovered that there was more....and I went to bed to rest until the cute one came home and I crashed out. I felt so guilty. The cute one was there dealing with drama king over homework and I slept thru the whole thing.

I needed the rest but I felt like I stuck cute one with the worst of it.....the yelling and the drama during homework is really wiping both of us out. I have no energy to deal with even the most basic chores....

The boy is not cognisant of most requests of mine to stop hanging on me.... or go do your homework, requestimg chores be done is like the Impossible Dream. I think last night was the first night he had unloaded the dishwasher without me nagging him. He even put the good china in the dining room; not away but on the table which is a big deal for him. The boy did do as he was told. When I told the cuter half that he did his chore even the cuter half was amazed.

I don't know if the boy is becoming more considerate. For the first time the boy mentioned common sense, and ironically the boy thinks he has some. We told the boy that we didn't think it was there yet. If you think about it though, common sense comes from a lot of things. One of those things is learing boundaries. If the boundaries are there then the common sense soon follows. At least that is the wayit seems in aspie-land.

Many times it feels like we are going two steps forward and 10 steps backward. Kind of like the caucus race in Alice in Wonderland. No one is going anywhere and everyone wins....like politics. The winner wins an empty position with a lot of power and no grace. Same thing here with a young aspie male.

I guess the boundaries thing is going to be an ongoing argument in this house.
It makes me tired, the cute one is tired too.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

It's a good time for appreciating what we have

Although it is REALLY early for Thanksgiving....

I think today's post should be about what I am thankful for - no reason why I chose today. It is more circumstantial than anything else. I just thought that right now I should be happy and thankful for some of the stuff I have going on.

10 things/people/situations you’re thankful for:

  1. The machines that make my house run: dishwasher, clothes washer, dryer, fridge, computer, cell phones- customized ring tones....I always know who it is by the song that is playing...
  2. Bluetooth in the car and Sirius radio- I LOVE 80's on 8.
  3. electronic books- porta-reads save me from mental monotony.
  4. Having backup so I don't have to run to the store more than once a week (or month)
  5. The Church of the 3 Tabbies; without whom I would not arise early on Sundays to make it to a real church. Brother Bert, Deacon Trouble and Little Garfield make a joyful noise almost every day to awaken me for their breakfast.
  6. My cousins, friends and family (in-laws and see #7) for keeping me real, sane and making me laugh every day.
  7. My bro and sis-in-law- all the time.
  8. My Mom for trying new things like the boy's potato leek soup and for being willing to hang out at and go to ice cream socials.
  9. The boy for being smart, brave and willing to try.....sometimes it is harder for him than anyone realizes.
  10. The cuter half who has tolerated my goofy collections, my makeup (and hair coloring) mishaps and my clothing errors....but still loves me anyway!

Maybe, to gain perspective you readers should make your own lists...and own orders therein. This is mine.....the cuter half may make his differently and the boy would make his WAY different....the kitties...well we KNOW what they want.

Listing things out sometimes can give perspective, and make us think about the direction or directions we may be headed.....kind of like a mental organizer....check it out. See what it does for you.

Friday, September 21, 2012

FYI- I don't have osmosis

I really don't have it.
 

os·mo·sis/äzˈmōsis/

Noun:
  1. The tendency of molecules of a solvent to pass through a semipermeable membrane from a less concentrated solution into a more concentrat...
  2. The process of gradual or unconscious assimilation of ideas, knowledge, etc.

Never ever did.

People think I do because I appear to be resonably intuitive.....and the boy believes that I am omnipresent too.

om·ni·pres·ent/ˌämnəˈpreznt/

Adjective:
  1. (of God) Present everywhere at the same time.
  2. Widely or constantly encountered; common or widespread: "the omnipresent threat of natural disasters".
I think after this weeks test where I was helping him with a study guide and we were using definitions and NOT examples from the class lecture/game the boy finally got it that not ALL adults make up the same examples.
I don't understand a lot of things that he is going thru.
I did ask a friend of his, a gen, what happens at the HS level. Are all aspies like the boy or are they different. She didn't know but I was told that the boy was the only one she knew of that was allowed outside of the prescribed classes.
Do I know if this is true or not? no.
But my experience with the cuter half this year as left me wondering how many teachers at a gen level actually have never had an Aspie in their class room. 
 
My mind is now officially blown.
Most people would indicate that it doesn't take much to blow my mind....I have limited resources here at home. The cuter half and I can't remember the last time we went out and didn't disucss something that had to do with the boy, his past or his present.
We really don't know what he is capable of. I am hoping he is capable of a lot. But I just don't know and it is scaring the boogies out of me. What are these kids capable of?
Wikipedia says this:

Asperger syndrome
Classification and external resources
Seated boy facing 3/4 away from camera, looking at a ball-and-stick model of a molecular structure. The model is made of colored magnets and steel balls.
People with Asperger syndrome often display intense interests, such as this boy's fascination with molecular structure.
ICD-10F84.5
ICD-9299.80
OMIM608638
DiseasesDB31268
MedlinePlus001549
eMedicineped/147
MeSHF03.550.325.100
Asperger syndrome (AS), also known as Asperger's syndrome or Asperger disorder, is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction, alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. It differs from other autism spectrum disorders by its relative preservation of linguistic and cognitive development. Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and atypical use of language are frequently reported.[1][2]
The syndrome is named after the Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger who, in 1944, studied and described children in his practice who lacked nonverbal communication skills, demonstrated limited empathy with their peers, and were physically clumsy.[3] The modern conception of Asperger syndrome came into existence in 1981[4] and went through a period of popularization,[5][6] becoming standardized as a diagnosis in the early 1990s. Many questions remain about aspects of the disorder.[7] For example, there is doubt about whether it is distinct from high-functioning autism (HFA);[8] partly because of this, its prevalence is not firmly established.[1] It has been proposed that the diagnosis of Asperger's be eliminated, to be replaced by a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder on a severity scale.[9]
The exact cause is unknown. Although research suggests the likelihood of a genetic basis,[1] there is no known genetic etiology[10][11] and brain imaging techniques have not identified a clear common pathology.[1] There is no single treatment, and the effectiveness of particular interventions is supported by only limited data.[1] Intervention is aimed at improving symptoms and function. The mainstay of management is behavioral therapy, focusing on specific deficits to address poor communication skills, obsessive or repetitive routines, and physical clumsiness.[12] Most children improve as they mature to adulthood, but social and communication difficulties may persist.[7] Some researchers and people with Asperger's have advocated a shift in attitudes toward the view that it is a difference, rather than a disability that must be treated or cured.[13][14]

This is kind of a generic answer. It still doesn't say much about what the boy can do. Logistically the boy will never be a rocket scientist. It just is not part of his ability....and we have to be practical. We want the boy to be able to work and move out on his own.

Kind of like is there a heaven? (Think Amy Grant song, "Ask me if I know there is a God up in the Heavens") Alright, I couldn't find it but I did find this- Hope set High....just as good or better. Our hopes are high for the boy.....and although I am scared I am hoping we have good reason to be setting them as high or higher than what we are expecting he should do.



Heaven is one of those things that we believe in but do we know it to be true. I think I know it to be true....For me, it was roses blooming in the winter after my Dad passed away convinced me. But that is merely a personal observation about heaven and what happens there.




Not really KNOWING what the boy can do is really bothering me.
After tonights discussion with his friend....I am a little more than concerned about what he will be able to do on his own.... 



Now for a retro break.....my dear friend - (-)- should know this song well. We danced to it in the pouring rain at an Amy Grant concert in........ 1984. OMG.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Monday, September 17, 2012

using media and parenting

the boy is taking a class in media analysis .

First off - total oxymoron- an aspie in a media analysis class. This means he has to go OUTSIDE his box to understand what is going on.
Then he has to comprehend and learn about popular topics of the day. This can be using FB, twitter and other media to become social in the ultimate world wide web....there is a lot of exposure and a lot going on.

Let me say here and now.....we have encouraged the boy to watch programs that he will flat out tell us, "That is completely inappropriate." With arm movement (covering eyes) and walking out of the room. My goodness our cats will watch Jersey Shore and the boy won't have anything to do with it.

This alone has the cute one and I beleiving that we are parents out of the 60's...we are so straightlaced and completely boring that the boy's teachers suggestion that the boy do a paper on the 1960's Batman program and the cultutal mores of that time....well in our house it might actually work. Ironically, the cute one and I are really not that boring but it sure seems that way....we have goals and are strict with the boy....automatically up for most boring, awful parent ever....at least that is what we hear.

I think what brought this topic up tonight was at dinner time...we were doing a "pick up dinner" which basically means watching in front of TV and chilling out...the boy was working on a study guide and didn't wish to talk to us...
So the cuter half and I were watching Dina Lohan's interview on Extra or whatever that program with Billy Bush is called. Dina appears to be a person that has been her kid's friend and not really a parent.
There is a difference.
Now, I am friends with my Mom, she is in her 90's, our relationship has evolved to the friend point and we depend on each other....it was a parenting relationship up until I got out of college.
Dina and her daughters don't seem to have that parenting role down...Dina never made it happen and she is the one making the whacky excuses.Making dumb excuses is not parenting.

Parenting is being the bad guy.
Parenting is being the person that is saying "No." or the one saying, "If you want to be in x you have to stay in y and you have to get all A's and B's"
Parenting is being the person you can call at midnight and not get yelled at.
Parenting is putting up with a homesick college student and helping them figure out what is going on when you get told you MUST change your major.
Parenting is saying, "No." and meaning it.
Parenting is being responsible and grown up even if you don't feel like it.
Parenting is telling your daughter that her son has a problem and we have to figure out how to fix it.
Parenting is going with your son/ daugher to an evaluation even when it is hard and we will be there for a long time.
Parenting is using a harness on your grandchild at the store when you don't want to.
Parenting is listening you your son/daughter; even though you think it is wrong you respect them enough to do what they ask you to do anyway.
Parenting is being the person you don't like or want to be but you hafta to teach your kid how to do what they need to do to grow up.

And you know what? Luckily, MY parents were like that. They helped me with the boy when no one else would. They helped me before that. and Best of all, they were my PARENTS.
They certainly were not my friends when I was growing up....I was fortunate to be guided by them.....now my Mom, and my Dad when he was alive, are my friends.....but we all had to adjust and grow up before that happened. It wasn't a thing where we all said, "Oh look you are out of college -lets be buddies. Can I buy you that _____ now?" No, it was much more of a process and belive me we all learned from it.

The same is happening with the boy. The boy is learning to think independently and his ideas are good ones. He has a lot of things to say...and this media class is teaching him to think outside his aspie box. It is nice to see.

After seeing Dina Lohan tonight I think I am glad that I haven't hurt myself trying to be my kid's bff. That is a mistake that she is responsible for the rest of her life and beyond.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

It is all planned out.

Making plans....or "The best laid plans of mice and mem."
Organization or "Setting it up in advance."

The boy needs to get better at making plans. He has been casting out contacts to friends at the last available minute and hoping someone can come by or hang out.

He is not planning ahead or using his time wisely.

Kind of like estate planning for disabled families or just setting up your dream vacation....it is all planned. You know where you are going, what you are doing and how it is gonna be.
For example, the boy is back in school. He has some club obligations up until his sports start and he has a lot to do....his scheduling is rather limited...and he has been trained.
Yes trained.
He has been trained to ASK if he can make plans and if it fits in the house schedule. Not to just go ahead and do it.... and find out he is walking to the neighboring town (sounds further than it actually is) because the cute one and I can't give him a ride.

Oddly enough, most people think we are really controlling. The thing is (yup there is that "thing") I was raised in a similar way....in fact, after talking to my Mom it came out that there were times when I would ask her if I could do something and she would say "No" for no reason at all.
Maybe she decided that saying "No" was the best option, or maybe it was the way I asked or maybe it was just "No".

I think more people should say "No." I do it and  here it a lot. And I know, I have mentioned this before but there is an age group that doesn't or never had heard "No" this is the same group that everyone gets an award and there are no winners and loosers and the rules are optional. Excuses run rampant.....and in our case although we have a darned good reason most of the time we bite the bullet and just do whatever we need to do....and are teaching the boy to be the same.

This week we heard that the boy is nice. He is likeable and friendly. For example, the other morning he had forgotten his lunch. I didn't really feel like going to the school to drop it off but I did. When I got there I was greeted by the guard and when I explained what I needed; she said, "Oh (the boy). I know him. He is one of the ones who says, "Good Morning" and "Hello". We always remember the nice ones." Then I was told, that she would take care of his lunch and make certain he got it. On my part it was nice to know that the boy uses good manners (he better).
One of our neighbors said the same thing, "He always says "Good morning" on the way to school."

SO what does this mean? The cuter half and I have always told him that doing the nice thing, being polite means a lot. People appreciate it. I think cute one and I have felt more so about the manners thing after taking him to PT and seeing other kids grab the candy box and hearing, "Take 2 one for each hand." by the parents and the therapist asking the kids to only take 1.....it was then that we decided to drill manners into the boy. He doesn't always use them....there are times when the brain doesn't work like it should and the aspergers obessions take over and manners are out the window.

I have been worried about the boy in the long haul....how will he do? What will he do? the meeting we attended was, well it was......something. I don't know what it was. There wasn't much they could do for the past and how we got screwed by the school and that the school f-ed up the goal that was supposedly in place because they didn't feel like doing things the way they should.....it isnt' the people we spoke to's fault and naturally the "decision makers" aren't there anymore.
So where does that leave us? Well technically the boy could stay there until he is in his early 20's....and the cute one and I would be having heart attacks and nervous breakdowns....prior to the meeting and after I am at about 6-9 cups of coffee a day and munching out much more than I ever should. Ergo the stress of the boy sticking it out is likely to kill his parents.

I wonder what Elizabeth Bennett would do?  I would like to think that graciousness would be appropriate- but then I still want to tell the school where to go....and I don't mean that politely either.

I wonder what we should do? (find a nice chocolate chip cookie or learn to wii box to get out the frustration and the anger)
I think a countdown to the future is going to be in order...which goes back to the planning ahead thing


the cuter half and I mini golfing- we planned ahead and got rained on......my hair is as fuzzed up as my poncho :-).
.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

writers block

I absolutely HATE writers block.
I think I have it because I am "marking time" and a decision will be made this Friday about what I will be doing.

We were on vacation and I wasn't able to write in my story or even do any critical writing at all. I was numb.

Kind of broken, and in some situations a shy little bunny rabbit.
The future is a scary place and the boy is making some plans....has some ideas and is just like any other kid his age.....making choices.

I didn't help by telling the boy that the choices he makes now will affect him down the road.

Scared the _________ out of him.

I wish I would have had more guidance with my choices....I am hoping that the guidance we give the boy will help him with his decisions and teaching him HOW to do things will happen when he has his own place and is able to do his own things. We have never treated him like his Aspergers is a disability. Instead we have told him to use it for a strength and work with it instead of him working for it.




Still have that darn writers block though.....

Saturday, September 1, 2012

get out of my house.

I made the boy go out of the house.

Forced actually....went outside with him, located the soccer ball and INSISTED he kick it around for a good while.

This was done, after a bout of screaming....threats, and some melting down on the boy's part. He has 2 doctors that have TOLD him he MUST exercise up to 4x a week when not doing sports. The boy is lazy. He hates it; anything that involves work or activity must not be done. The worst of it is that there are other kids who are the SAME WAY and the boy wants to be like them.

CRINGE....I make him go out and I will kick the soccer ball or use a volley ball or a football....any thing to get this kid out of the house and make him exert some effort.

Today I embarrassed him by going out and kicking the ball with him. "Go back in the house Mom. I will do this by myself."

He later told me that he envisioned that the soccer ball was my head cut off and he was kicking it around the yard. OK....too many violent video games perchance??? If he were ever allowe to see them here. I think I will have to close off wifi again and make him more miserable.


He just saps it right out of the cuter half and I....