Tuesday, January 3, 2012

"What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate."

Henry David Thoreau

This is the year that I have decided to read all the books I had read before and even some classics I had heard about.....
Kind of a bucket list thing. I might not see all the things I want to see before I die but I am going read all the things I've either wanted to read, have read or just heard about.
When I was young....I loved reading. I would read anything. I enjoyed Beowolf, loved the Canterbury Tales, wanted to read and digest Emerson, thought Hawthorne was the best and devoured Shakespeare. In fact, in college, I would grab Shakespeare's plays and read them to relax after studying.

I was a true and total nerd.

When I was a new Mom I didn't let the boy watch TV...we watched Talking Heads videos and sang " Burning Down the House"; Laurie Anderson, Larry Norman and Iggy Pop were the lullibies I sang. At the time I didn't realize that my avante guarde musical tastes would mean that he either wouldn't really care for music or would end up stuck in the 80's.

The funny thing is...I get all over the boy to read these classics...and I realized I had mind numbed myself by reading my favorites over and over and numbed my brain. Many times to shut down or out and not HAVE to think. Normally thinking so much during the day, planning and figuring it all out...well numbing the brain helps one forget, at least for a while.

The last few years many things have hurt me deeply and I have not been able to concentrate or make myself read something anything that makes me think....therein lies the rub....I need to read to expand and grow but yet it hurts to make myself think and not just reat books on Aspergers, Autism or other things regarding disabilities.

Being the creative parent that I am I started reading....plays. Yup, plays. Pygmalion aka My Fair Lady was the first one......as an adult I now understand what Eliza saw in Freddie. She saw kindness....and that is important. When I was young I didn't understand what she saw in a man that would write her "sheets and sheets." regarding his love for her and how truely kind he was. I had always viewed him as the biggest wimp that ever walked. Now I do understand that kindness and love walk hand in hand. With age comes wisdom....

This months reading option is Walden. I have only gotten into a couple of pages and may have to go back and re-read some of it but reading the I-book is helpful....it is easy to tote around and I can book mark the quotations I like and hopefully remember them.

Why is doing this stuff important? Well, mentally I am preparing myself. There is going to come a time where I have to be ready to do something else. I would be the Mom of a kid on the spectrum forever. I will be the mom of a chef or the mom of a kid who is working at "xyz" and doing "lmnop".....so that being said developing what is left of the brain God gave me seemed like a good idea. Mind you, the Aspergers part and the Autism won't be going anywhere. It will still be a part of our lives but it will be at a different level. I won't be in the front seat managing it....but I will be in the background helping with directions or reading the map.....

With the great literature. I miss drawing, painting and making things. I've attempted to use scrapbooking and designing photo albums as that outlet but it isn't the same. IT helps but being creative means that I am better at not eating my way thru the kitchen when I am bored or trying to figure out all the details of what the boy needs to do...

The cuter half and I are constantly molding, pushing, directing or moving the background to a workable position. IF you have ever seen Sunday in the Park with George there is a song "Finishing the Hat," the refrain goes, 
Mapping out a sky.
What you feel like, planning a sky.
What you feel when voices that come
Through the window
Until they distance and die,
Until there's nothing but sky

Well, as the parent of a kid like ours...there are times when life feels that way. There is nothing wrong with it and singing that song makes me think of that wonderful painting....and expanding and growing. Which for us means reading....and not just some books on what to do with our kid but books real books about life and theory and....well you get the picture.

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