Do you remember that song? I think it was a Bob Dylan song; although it is really rather lame it used to make me laugh. Not that getting stoned is good or anything but that the song itself was really quite stupid. It was obvious that Bob was done in himself while recording and although he has/ had talent; it was negligible at best and really great at worst…..maybe it depended on how stoned one was. Since I have never been desirous of being in that state, the thought of it, to me was very silly. I didn’t need to get drunk or drugged to do stupid things. I do that quite well on my own without assistance.
For me, being able to be “happy in my own skin” has been a learning process. For a long time I wasn’t. I wanted to do what people I thought I was supposed to respect told me. Kind of like Janet Jackson’s song “Control”; “I did what Daddy said I let my Mother mold me.”
Growing out of that phase has taken a long time. For years being a people pleaser was the role I was instructed to have and expected to do. It seems that way with my son. I tried so hard to do what everyone what me to do with him and it just was never good enough. People on the outside don’t always understand that working out the diagnosis and KNOWING deep down that the current doc must have gotten their degrees in correspondence school, well it makes it tough to realize that those who are supposed to be for you are really just not worth the time.
His Asperger’s makes him think he is supposed to do certain things (kind of like his parents). “I am supposed to do such and such to make so and so happy.” I wonder if he is happy in himself (doing that didn’t make us happy). He seems to be, but then there are times when he doesn’t want to deal with things, doesn’t wish to offend. Those are the times he tries too hard and gets frustrated.
I know how he feels.
Lately, I have been making more of an effort with certain people. Close friends ask me why I bother. We have enough on our plate, trying hard with people who don’t get it is kind of like pushing glue uphill- rather futile. First off, I was asked to. Seriously, someone important to me asked me to try. I did. What a waste in futility. Now I can laugh about it but really….trying to work or associate with people who are not living in reality or comprehension is just not worth the effort expended. Ironically, several months ago someone else told me that one of them “Had a very rough life” with what exactly? Try living Aspie-style THEN tell me how rough life is. I believe my response was, “Everyone’s life is rough, if it were easy we wouldn’t learn anything.” I think that person thought our life (my husband and mine) was easy because from what we hear we make it LOOK that way. Back to the control thing, and oddly enough attempting to be gracious from another era (think Grace Kelly).
Fortunately, because of the aforementioned effort in futility, there are things we no longer have to do. Talk about a blessing in disguise; certain “obligations” are no longer required. “Rock on Seymour” that, believe you me, is something I didn’t think would happen for YEARS and now we are blessed with it…. How lucky for us. In the long run, what does that mean? Well, it means not stressing out about trying so hard to take time away from what we need to do; to what others EXPECT us to do. We ain’t got the expectations part anymore. That in itself is a wonderful thing.
Why does the song “Satisfaction” seem like it should fit in here? Well I think it does so here we go, enjoy it.
The other part is teaching our son….he is learning that we don’t have to be doormats and we are allowed to set the rules and stick to them if necessary. What a break for him, I didn’t catch onto that until long after we bought our house. At least he is learning early….let’s hope it sticks.