Saturday, July 2, 2011

insomnia

There are really a very few times I have insomnia. Sometimes when I OD on the caffiene, or just stress about IEP's or just life in general.....even sometimes the occasion for it is over the boy. Sometimes it is regarding someone else or other people entirely. Rarely is it because of "happy thoughts"; my mind is racing into overtime I am not able to stop thinking about any number of things.....

This evening we were at dinner. With my family this time; this is a diverse group. The table was strangely quiet....or at least it appeared so. I am thinking that it was because the boy, myself and cuter one were there. We talked about any number of things. I so wanted to re-assure my sibling that we would NOT be attending the upcoming wedding reception(s) (that we haven't been invited to yet). not because we don't want to go, we would. But we wouldn't want to mortify anyone with the thought of "Oh look at who so and so is related to." Although the boy's conversation skills have improved, it is unlikely he or we would be welcome in a "high class environment." Sometimes is it just better to avoid a given situation that could be viewed as a total negative through and through.

Maybe I am being hyper sensitive tonight. Stemming from being told that the cuter one and I have a home that is not good enough for a planned family party. IT is OK to come over here for a brief while; but any "planned" activities MUST be done elsewhere (I was informed of this quite firmly several months back).

OK it bothers me- Still.

Our home is small. With a BIG back yard. We love it. Although the house is small; it may not be much but it is our home....for many years it has worked for us. It is not showy, but we have lovely gardens.....space to enjoy and several areas to enjoy in the yard. Frankly if this person hadn't hurt my feelings, I many have been willing to open up the house. But the condescending attitude that our little house was unacceptable was just too much.

On the positive, at least it is now confirmed that we don't have to ask them to our home again. It is too small and not enough space for them. In fact, at dinner tonight, it was funny, the boy slipped in an invitation to two of his relatives. My instant response was, "Absolutely NOT. We don't have enough room for guests." I think the vehemence of my response surprised several people. Maybe not, normally we are the first one's to tell people to come over. It is rare that we will say "NO, we can't do that."

Oddly enough, the boy is normally allowed to invite whomever he wishes to our home. We usually have a pretty lax open door policy. Except when our home is not good enough for a planned family party. That is when the doors and windows are closed the patio shuttered and the back yard off limits (It was sprayed for weeds....can't walk on it until Monday, no Tuesday, no maybe next year). Maybe the policy here will change, but I doubt it. In fact, I am hesitant to invite anyone here again. Maybe they are just saying that the parties are nice out of pity, as the house is small, the rooms are tiny the yard can be damp.

I feel kind of guilty. Maybe the fact that we have invited people to our home has been in error. We shouldn't have assumed that this house is acceptable just because we like it. We don't have a McMansion, nor anything that would say, "Hey let us show off all our money to you peons". I was talking to a neighbor today and she asked me what was wrong, when I told her....she claimed she was shocked. She couldn't count the number of times they had been to our house for parties and it was very nice and they enjoyed it very much. But maybe she was just saying that to make me feel better.

After my recent experiences with this family party experience I have completely backed off from the idea.....I am a little nervous about the upcoming party we have discussed having and are planning. What if the house looks like we live in it? OMG what about the 3 cats? What about the messy living room....the dining room has my scrapbooking stuff in it. How bad is that? I want to finish the boy's High School book and I am behind 2 years- I have pictures and paper everywhere. What about the floors (old wood, some ceramic tile, laminate that we did ourselves-Oops that isn't acceptable either), the laundry room- wow people do laundry(?); the life we have in this house.

OMG - it isn't good enough for people I am related to.

That is just sad. Those people whos supposedly love us for who and what we are have to be "firm" and let us know that our house is not good enough to be invited to. Our yard is not acceptable, it will downpour (when? hasn't yet?) It will be too hot (FYI- climate here is changing for July it is quite comfortable?) - hmmmm now Act's of God are seen as a problem.....

Fortunately for them, they don't have to be subjected to an invitation here again. Nor do we, the cuter one and I, have to make a big effort to do anything but show up when they are in town. This boosting of the economy means that we don't have to clean the patio right away....no one but us are going to be here.

Our home is not good enough for them.

Maybe it is a blessing for us after all- the less work we have to do and less time we have to spend doing it could be seen as quite the bonus........

and here I was feeling kind of sad about not being good enough.





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