The last month or so I have had a lot of different thoughts running through my head.
Fear- the boy is moving on soon to a totally DIFFERENT way of doing things. The world is a much scarier and not friendly place to parents like us. We have a lot of fears about where the boy is going, how he is going to get there and what he will do.
Excitement- YES! The boy did it. He is on the honor role, he is getting a scholarship; he is going far and going to come out on top. All these years of sacrificing, giving up, giving in, the tears, the nights of no sleep and like the Dr Seuss book- "There are few as brainy and footsy as you."
And sadness; I was talking to someone that I told off last year. Yes, I did, which is why I quit a lot of my volunteering and outside things.....I really let this person have it (I ripped him a new one). I promised the cuter half I would behave and keep my mouth shut if I talked to this person again- the call was by accident I thought I was calling someone else. After apologising for the call and promising I would behave; I told this person that things like this (academic awards and scholarships) don't happen to parents like us. His wish was that it could happen to more of us.
Sadly, I doubt it can. We literally have given up EVERYTHING. Our free time, money (the therapists get that), sleep, time, the gym. anything....you name it we have probably done it and or are thinking about what we are to do next for the boy. Most people would never dream of giving up all the stuff we have and wouldn't want to be bothered. What we have done with the boy is strenuous. It hurts mentally, physically and emotionally. We have basically poured it all into this kid to make certain he succeeds.
I really can't see other people doing that....maybe they do, but it sounds so over the top for the situation we are in....I just don't know.
There are so many unknowns.... and that is the hard thing to think or write about. At this point we just don't know what the boy can do.
Part of us are GLAD the boy will be getting away from these other kids who are telling him he doesn't need to learn to drive or get a job or go to college. He doesn't need to live life the way we want him to and should only live and do what he wants. The boy little realizing that he is not going to be allowed to be a "basement kid" and we won't accept less than his personal best at any given time. Most of the kids he tells us about are so out of the loop it is a relief to know it is unlike he will hear from many of them again. I for one am glad....there was one that was telling the boy that he would get all we had when we died and the boy would be rich. Finally I had to tell the boy that he isn't getting anything because we are broke.
The next few months are going to be nerve wracking and exciting.
The next few months are going to be a time of truth. Have we hit this the right way? Did we make a mistake? Or have we had the mantle thrust upon us are are we going to go about this the right way and end up wearing it well?
I suppose time will tell.
And like a character out of JK Rowling's books “It’s the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.”
She is right. It is the unknown of anything that we fear.
The not knowing for certain is what is the most scary of all.