Thursday, July 22, 2010

Writing without focus

I am unfocused.

It is true, I am, and I am tired and worn out and pooped or whatever you want to call it.

We have packed a lot into the summer. Not by choice though. I can say I was THRILLED yesterday afternoon having to take the boy to the doc and the doc cancelled. The bad side of me wanted to know if I got a refund because she cancelled only 2 hours prior to the appointment. The good side of me said, "Great, now I can take a nap."

Our boy has been in credit HS classes all summer. this most recent one is a disappointment. My son is worn out, he is tired from working so hard, he got an A in the photography class. (I still need to scan the pictures) and he was getting a D+ in a pass/fail class. Anything below a C is failing when you do that BTW. Being this focused, on his classwork is draining. I am frankly exhausted. So being so blooming tired why am I up so late?

I saw something bad, sad and it made me mad. A mom harmed her 2 autistic children because she wanted regular kids and not austic ones. Tragic, and terrifying. How could anyone hurt babies? Well, they weren't exactly babies, but they were little kids. Being the parent of an Aspie or any other kid is tough. We have a lot of work to do, not just socially, but mentally, physically and perception-wise. Put this on a person with minimal support from family, community (NOT SCHOOLS, their church or neighbors) and you are looking at a pretty tramatic situation. It is not up to everyone to step in, but when you are looking at possibly underpriveleged families, a difficult situtation and then social issues. It is a lot to handle.

We fould our salvation (spiritually, mentally and physically), really, at church. My cousin's church in KY started cleaning us out spiritually (we were there for a wedding), then we got home and started going to a new church, then did the baptism and the went up from there. It sounds like it went faster than it really did... this process took YEARS. we had to be ready to WANT the support. I, myself, had to overcome my feelings and deep rooted beliefs and then to be ready for all of us to want to be there.... it wasn't an overnight process.

I think we are all scared. I am, my husband is, and my son is trying to learn to understand what general society expects from him. We regularly bust ourselves trying to keep up with the latest information, reports and studies. I will be honest, there are VERY few things I have read recently. Not because of a temp job, but because they are not relevant.

Parents like us are overloaded with information, negative people and the ability to not see a light at the end of the tunnel. Kids are the light. My boy, even when he has problems, breaks something, scares himself (and me) and we learn and MOVE it on up. This week ahs been tough, but tolerable, and he has learned athat if I tell him to finish the project early that means he can do the reports or whatever and then make corrections in the classroom during the day. At least it is started at home; and it makes the day go faster but he has to work his butt off. (FYI- He went from a D+ to a B)

Most of the time, my social comes from FB. during the day when I am looking for work, or being a slug, I am on here wasting time and trying to numb my brain from stress. It is easy for me to get on here, relax and not worry. Lately, I have been worrying, not blogging and just reading tripe and junk and trying to find my way. I know WHAT I need to read and what I need to do, and don't. maybe from fear, or lack of understanding or whatever.

Or maybe the downtime is just needed and I need to stop letting people get me down. I need to NOT respond to people who have issues with being condescending. I have to be back at forgiving myself for not being generous and understanding that those people may have it much worse than I do, and my son is like a Renoir sketch, and a beautiful work in progress. My life is not perfect, nor would I want it to be, I know I would get bored. My husband and I have each other, MANY blessings, marvy friends and a real place to go where everyone knows your name (NOT the "Cheers" bar).

Like I said in the begining, I am unfocused...this has been hither and yon. I think it is time to grab an orange cappucino, some granola a tripey book and hit the showers.

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