It is easier to think that most mom's know what they are doing by the time we "kid-lings" have become adults.
I will admit that I didn't become an adult until I had a kid. I wasn't worried about much prior to having a kid so when I did have one; there was a major perspective change. I was required to be responsible for a little person that needed a TON of help- he had milk allergies and on prescription formula, was in need of a lot of blood tests, then he was into everything. but very well behaved for a baby....I remember warning my Mom that his diapers looked like explosions....his food habits were a little different- and we had to deal with the inability to keep certain foods down. I looked like I was starting a new fashion- burp rags safety pinned on my shirts, coats and redesigned as a scarf (my idea - take it and you have to pay me a royalty). When the boy and I were home; we had been there a week and my Mom said that the boy needed some additional help. I couldn't leave the house, not even to get food. The boy was still having bottle issues and had some other sensory development problems....and he was not talking well yet although the cuter half understood him not many others did. Thus the time for diagnosis- Grandma hit the nail right on the head, although I don't think she realized it at the time.
Then when diagnosis were in need another perspective change.
This perspective change I often compare to the allegory about traveling:
"There is a trip to Italy that you have always wanted to go on. It is all planned, the passport, the tickets, the hotel and the food. Everything is ready.
You get on the plan and are told, "Welcome to Holland".
This was not on the schedule. You are supposed to be in Italy. What happened to Italy?
What the hell am I doing in Holland? I didn't want to be in Holland.
Why am I here?
Well, here I am in Holland and now I have to learn to appreciate Holland for what it is.
It is lovely, the flowers, the views, the people the food. Holland is pretty darn nice.
But my trip was supposed to be different. I am learning to live here but I really want to be in Italy.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had left here gone to Italy instead.
Then I think I am where I am supposed to be: in Holland, learning the names of the different tulips and learning about Dutch cheese pancakes."
Having a kid like ours, is like planning a trip but ending up someplace else.
We planned a wonderful trip - but are in a totally different location than where we thought we would be.
I think the trip allegory is the same for the Grandparents - not much thought goes into what they think about their kid's kid with Aspergers. I think some are supportive and others not, kind of like families generally are.
We were lucky - my parents were helpful and had ideas on what to do with the boy and how he needed to behave himself.
He was not allowed to touch Grandma's things. - no knickknacks or other good stuff. Running through the dining room with several balloons (after being told not to) resulted in getting in big trouble with Grandma. As I used to tell the boy, "The person who controls the cookies controls your world." That would be Grandma.
Although, the boy did learn to sneak cookies for him and Grandpa- I have recently heard it was at any given opportunity when Grandma or I were not in the kitchen.....
Anyway, getting the Grandma take on things - the diagnosis and then the boy doing his bit... well we aren't in a bad place, Just a confusing one. Then expanding with the cuter half and realizing that all the hard work has to pay off eventually and maybe, just maybe the boy will do better than anyone imagines
The new experiences this year have been broadening- from going to a new school, having a car accident, changing majors, and learning about life....it is all new, exciting and interesting.
I hope things stay interesting - although I could loose the exciting aspect and be comfortable with that I don't know if the cuter half and the boy would like it much....