Sunday, December 28, 2014

Burn Out

Back in my day being a "burn-out" was not something I aspired to. Just didn't want to loose control of myself or what I was doing....Control is still something I struggle with as I am not really in charge of anything. Even at home - my kitties tell me what I need to do and when. If I listened every time Troubles wanted food though he would eat his way through the entire pantry.....

Once again I am at a turning point in my career. It is odd to me that I would be at that point but then again, here I am....messing about applying for jobs that aren't really there once my application is in...."We are sorry but that job is no longer available" as soon as you follow the link to the company website. It just makes things more interesting I suppose but frankly I am tired of it.
Now if I wanted to be a truck driver, forklift operator, or warehouse manager....I am in luck. Or if I wanted to research naked underwater basket weaving at the local University.....there is a whole market out there for internships that will pay about $5.00 an hour. However (thankfully) I am not qualified in any of those areas.

I am just not certain what I really want to do. My GOD I am almost 50 and I am still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.....Shit. I am grown up already and I am still out looking around for something.....Yeah, I know, take Briggs Meyers or one of those other tests. I have. Taken them all. Repeatedly, often, and more recently in desperation. Each and every one tells me I should be a psychologist, a social worker (eww people), or some other community type person.


Let me explain.

My son, sees psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists, analysts and any other "ists" you can think of. I, and the cuter half, have spent more than have of our 16 + years together taking the boy to an "ist". Which is fine because they are wonderful people; doing great things with the boy. We have a ton or respect for them (just having the MD or Phd doesn't mean you get automatic the Aspie-land it has to be earned).... The thought of me doing what they do....OMG no I don't think I could do that. I really don't have the patience to suffer fools like us nor do I want to deal with an Aspie who his hell bent on doing things their way and messing themselves up, or a misguided person who believes they "deserve" whatever they cannot afford. I do not believe that telling someone to go pound their head against the wall until they learn some common sense would probably not be a totally ethical response if being an "ist" was a career option for me.

Unfortunately, my opinion of social workers is probably not much better. The last one I was in touch with berated me for 45 minutes for taking a long overdue honeymoon with the cuter half. At the time the cute one and I had never spent any time away from the boy; she thought was were irresponsible for taking 10 days to go off to another country. Seriously, how many 6 year old boys do you know that got to go on their parents honeymoon? Ours did. When we went on our "delayed honeymoon" (about 12 years after our wedding) it  was about time for the cute one and I to get a break. Obviously, this social worker was not running with all her dogs barking. If that is an example of what I would be dealing/working with I think I would be better off making bathtub gin (another interesting career choice but I don't think "bootlegger" is a viable any longer).

So here I am - 1:00 AM and blogging- wondering what am I going to do now.

I was talking to an old friend who made an apt observation. She mentioned that I sounded "burnt out" (hence the title and thought processes). She is right - and I know I need to do something about it but I am not sure I do what I always do during times like this. I sign up for every single job/employment web site I can and view all the job descriptions out there ( did you know you needed a special license to be a forklift driver? who knew?) and then realize that it is gonna be awhile before something I know I can do is going to be out there.

Yes, the American media will tell you the economy is getting better....and it is- for the truck drivers, forklift drivers and warehouse managers. I usually don't watch much American news....they don't report much of anything interesting. Unless you want to know about "that bass" or the Kardashians....well then we have it all here in the USA. BTW - I really don't mind either....the song is cute and the Kardashians....not paying attention (unless Kris or Kim want to offer me a job...then I am all over it).

Recently, I had one job interview where the interviewer was asking me why I had "so many career changes" and why I kept not being able to stay at one job and why I tried so many things.....I never thought I had; getting laid off is not usually the employees fault. It is a decision made for that person that maybe you agree with or maybe you don't but nonetheless there it is. Your reaction to it is what is really important- and as usual I am attempting to react in a gracious and appropriate way (even though I don't know what the fuck I am doing). Damn - swear jar here I come.

Unable to sleep, which is strange, because we had  a bottle of wine at dinner and I am usually out for the count after that.... or I am writing. There is something to be said for Hemingway being drunk when he wrote....I wonder how many writers  do the same?

Oddly enough, this post kind of wrote itself and no I am not drunk this time....just over tired.

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